School

Thoughts in a jumble for some days now... again getting to that space where its difficult to breathe and I have to keep reminding myself to breathe consciously.. slow and deep.. keep telling myself that everything is going to be fine...

Mowgli is growing up and that brings with it a completely new set of challenges. We stopped all his sports activities for a month because he was having trouble managing everything. Tantrums, couldn't sleep at night, falling behind on all his subjects, not wanting to go to school. It took us about two months to slowly get back to speed. We had to sit with him daily to make sure that he was studying everyday. Stopped all the sports. Started a 15 min walk after dinner to settle down. Its helping, he is regular with his studies, at least the new portions. Issues with food and sleep are coming down. We re-introduced football last week, limited it to twice a week and planning to start the badminton classes from this week. We have told him to prioritize one of the sports, but as of now he is insisting on both.

But there is still an unease, there are some days when the old "I don't want to go to school" comes up again. Talks of children bullying him and other stories. I sometimes wonder how we went to school. All these were there even then. Name calling, people bullying.. but was there ever an option to not go to school? Not sure whether we are being over protective or our kids becoming less and less resilient.

Gratitude

Grateful for my yoga classes. The fact that its paid for a year leaves me with no excuses but to attend. The calmness of the meditation, the slow asanas all give me hope. That this will heal my body

Grateful for my job. For the flexi timings it allows. For the ability to work from home. For the luxuries of having a relaxed breakfast with the BH and coffee on the terrace before the madness starts.

Grateful for the new house. The pictures are yet to be put up and the rooms still need to be organised. But even without these, having it turn out the way it has is satisfying.

Grateful for the greenery and the terrace. Though we haven't yet started using it full swing, its been the ideal spot for a chai, to read in peace, for I to play with his cars.

Grateful for all the blessings, the friends, the love and the laughter that come when I least expect and most need it

Conversations with siri

Bambi to Siri

Tell me Siri, do I like my dada or mama more?

Siri : I really couldn't say :-)

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Siri, do you have a mama?

Siri: Its just you and me!

Siri is getting more and more diplomatic by the day!

Stuff

The new house is coming along. Its that last stage of the work when it just isnt getting over and there are hundreds of things to do.

We want to move in three weeks and as of today it seems highly unlikely. I have this weird obsession that this place might be more saner and less cluttered and lucky for us. Lucky? Now where did that thought come from? All the houses we have lived in have given us their share of joys and sorrows. Hopefully, here the joy will overshadow everything else.

Marie Kondo is on my mind these days. Taking only those things that gives me joy and makes me happy. Well, that doesn't apply to those clothes that do not fit and I might get into them sometime later!!!

I hope that with a place for everything, we will manage to keep it clean. The kids and us!

Mentally am in a mess. There are so many things happening simultaneously, with work and this and kids. Its like a screen with hundreds of tabs open at a time!

Need to focus.. to stay calm.. there is this usual state of how its going to improve in the future, but what I need to do is Stay in the NOW.

Mega confused??

Mowgli!

Just as he is entering school, he turns back and says "Mama, dont worry... I dont have exams today!"

As if I am the one who needs to worry about him having exams!!!

Feb Day 6

The highs and lows.. today its the low!

Feeling disappointed that my health is not improving and the criticism from everybody. You are not doing enough.. not doing anything regularly..
Its easy for people to say.. but what they do not realise is I'm no superman to continue doing things without seeing any benefits. Its extremely frustrating to not see any benefits, to fight the cravings, tiredness along with trying to stay positive.

Sometimes, the disappointment is that I try so hard to encourage everybody around me, go out of my way to help friends and family achieve what they want to.. but when it comes to supporting me, there is nobody around. I know this is a very unfair statement to make, but today this is how I feel.

I am tired of the constant criticism, the small niggling ones that never focus on what I have achieved, but more on what I let slip...
I am tired of the constant battles of having to prove myself again and again...
I am tired and jealous of others whose parents are so proud of whatever they do, even when it is something so small..
I am tired of making excuses for my parents..
I am tired of trying to empathise and understand another's point of view...
I am tired of supporting others...
I am tired of trying to do everything and ending up doing nothing...
I am tired of feeling tired all the time..

Feb Day 5

snippets from when Bambi was small..

"mama.. mooon.. see... ayyo moon potti poyi!!!!"
(it was a half moon)
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dada... bambi kutty alla.. kutta vilicha mathi... ( because the BH calls Mowgli kutta)

mama.. bambi chaaatambo aanu...
what is that?
chaatamboo... (she meant chattambi!)

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and yesterday..

She didnt wish her old drawing teacher and when I asked her why, this was the reply
"Bambi oru secret parayaam.. you can tell nobody.. but you can tell dada and chacha..
Bambi shy aanu"
:-)

Feb Day 4

The word for February is YES.

YES to new experiences..
YES to new opportunities..
YES to people trusting them that they know best what works for themselves..
YES to life.

Feb Day 3

The mantra for January was " Do what you have to".

Did this change my life? Not really, coz I think I’m the person who does go out and do things without really thinking a lot about what others will say.

But this did help me in doing some things which I would have otherwise not followed up. Like the get together we organised at our flat. The BH got quite irritated in the beginning, muttering that it’s only us who are interested and why do we have to do this and such. I knew that people were interested, it’s was just a matter of somebody doing the organising and putting it together. The venue was planned in a day, tasks given to people, counts taken. And just like school days, there was this initial set of people who raised their hands and slowly slowly everybody else raised their hands... the BH rallied around to get the food organised and to take care of the budget. And we pulled it off in just two days. 

It was a huge success with many people thanking us personally and publicly. Everybody had fun. Movies were organised for the kids, so that adults could have some peace and quiet. There was good food and drinks. Somebody brought a speaker and  a microphone, started off an impromptu antakshari session. And it was really good to spend time with all the families. 

It wasn't really that difficult.. the doing part, I mean. Its more difficult getting people to confirm whether they would attend or not, distributing tasks amongst the volunteers and then dealing with random feedback at the end of everything. The older me would have got worked up with the BH’s irritation, blamed the other families for not offering to help out etc etc. but here, I was calm. I knew I would do this, at least once.If it didn’t work out, it didn’t. But I needed to try it out. And it worked out beautifully.

Feb Day 2

Dear Bambi,

Sometimes I forget you are still a small girl who just wants to be hugged and pampered for no reason. Isn’t that there in all of us? I myself feel that way almost everyday. For somebody to look after me and pamper me as if I were a baby.

And because you are not the person who will make a fuss and are way mature than your years I sometimes forget. But I want you to know that sometimes you have to ask and that’s all it takes. 

Like today, after an early morning kathak class. When we were waiting for Chachan to come and had two hours to spare. We both went to a nearby cafe. Had sandwich, played atlas. You were happy and contented. I could see it in your face. And then we came back to our class where you scrambled on to my lap and said I want to rest now. Not sleep only rest. So I rocked you to rest... Not sleep, mind you.. only rest. Just like how you told me to.

And I again remembered that maybe thats all it takes. To be a parent is to listen to your children. They know what they want. They don’t have our baggage. Their needs are simple and there are days when all a big girl needs is a lap and two arms to hug her. Not to sleep. Only to rest...

Love, 

Mama

Feb Day 1

What will it take to tell yes to everything?

To trust the other person

To let go that they are capable of taking that informed decision And that it’s not within me to decide what another should or shouldn’t do?

I think this comes from my mother. Her first response to everything was no. More from a fear of what others will think, society, afraid that she would be judged for saying yes to her daughters. The no would turn to yes, but it always took time and was a reluctant yes. What that has ingrained in me is a constant second guessing of my decisions. Am I doing the right thing taking the right path and therefore never confident enough to take a decision alone always needing outside validation. It worked the opposite way on my sister. She stopped asking my mom or anybody for that matter permission. She took her own decisions made her own mistakes and learnt from those.

Yesterday when I told no to the BH for something he has been looking forward to for a long time he was hurt. Well so was I that he could change his plans so casually without even thinking about us and this is always the norm when it comes to his friends. But something he said stayed with me 'If you behave like this then how can I ever take a decision? Because at the back of my mind I will always have this feeling that I don’t know how you will react.' And I remember shouting at my mom with the same words...

Day 12 - Excitement

The new house is slowly coming together and its now starting to feel real. What till now was just a bunch of images on pinterest are now turning solid along with my fears on "its looking good on paper, will it look good in real life!" doubts.

And the dreams.. they have started.. the smell of new beginnings.. the meals to be spent in the open terrace.. the dedicated study areas for the kids etc etc... Before we move, one thing we want to do is to implement the Konmari method and completely declutter our place. Take only those things that give us joy and try to be more minimalistic.

Day 11 - The BH is back

The BH is back today after ten days. The kids are super excited, though I firmly believe its more to do with the suitcase than the man!
I'm also waiting for him to get back home. It was a very long ten days.

Day 10 - Morning Affirmations

I am feeling Healthy and Strong today

 I have all that I need to make this a great day of my life

Every new day starts with happiness, is full of joy and ends with contentment

 I am enough and I have enough. My life is full of abundance

I am open and receptive to all the wealth that Life offers me

  My actions create constant prosperity - money comes to me easily and effortlessly

I choose Happiness, Success and Abundance in my life 

I am making the right choices, taking the right actions,and thinking the right thoughts that will empower me to walk in my greatness and positively impact the lives of everyone I meet

Day 9 - Colouring

I attended a training today on mindfulness (more on that later). We were all given a Mandala colouring book for adults with colour pencils and clay. We were encouraged to use our hands either to shape things or aimlessly colour while listening to the speakers - the logic being these activities actually help us relax and put us in a more positive frame of mind.

When I got back home, the kids were very excited about it. After I explained, that its mine and the colour pencils are also mine, the excitement levels turned to outrage. Mowgli went off to play in a huff. Bambi got into one of her rare tantrums. Non stop crying on why she wanted my pencils. I was in a better mood today, so was able to handle her well. Without shouting, I kept on explaining that she has her own pencils and could use them and on and on. After about 15 minutes of this drama, I left her on the bed and started colouring. In about 5 minutes, Bambi stopped crying and was on my lap and suggesting colours. The earlier drama all forgotten.

I dont know what got into her. Its more strange because she is not the person who throws a lot of tantrums or insists that things be done her way. She is super confident in not wanting that validation from others. She just goes ahead and does what she wants to without really asking for your permission.Anyway, the colouring was fun and very peaceful. Because the patterns are huge and intricate, we both could pick up a corner to start with and keep colouring on the same sheet. Its been a long time since I have done something with her alone.

I keep making plans on spending at least 10 min alone with both the kids, but nothing really works out. Either I'm too frazzled or they are not in a good mood. But today was good. We spent a lot of time quietly colouring the same sheet and it helped make both of us very relaxed.

Highly recommended activity for adults :-)

Day 8 - Enabler

I've figured out what I am :-)

I am an "enabler". I enable people to achieve their goals. I'm quite good at this. If I know what is that you want, the dream you have I can research options for you, motivate you to move forward, have regular check points, do your planning for you.

Now if only that was a paid job!

Day 7 - New Beginnings

We bought a home. Again. In the same complex that we are staying.

After being very stubborn that we will not buy a flat again in Bangalore to looking through villas and finding two that I really really loved to finding them too expensive to scouting land in Wayanad and Talli to build a farmhouse to finally zeroing in to our present house. I have accepted the fact that changing schools is just not happening and in that case this is the perfect location. The community is good, school is close by, the BH's sister stays nearby. So all in all, made sense.

But its been like an anti-climax. I who usually gets very hyper thinking of stuff am actually very subdued. I am still planning stuff, getting excited about how I want the terrace to be, pinning stuff on pinterest.. but I am not dreaming about it. Its all very functional in my mind. And I'm puzzled by it. Its usually not the way I operate. Maybe it has to do with growing up (Ha ha!!) or it is my subconscious "lets not get too excited lest it doesn't turn up the way I want it to"

The pessimist in me is getting stronger!

Day 6 - Conversations with Bambi

"Today my yoga sir was looking very handsome."

"Ehhh??"  I am wondering on the appropriateness of the remark and how I need to react to this.

"He wore a shirt and jeans and he was looking as handsome as Dada"

I am struggling with emotions.. isn't she too young to start talking like that.. and how I should keep an open mind because I want her to continue telling me everything and blah blah blah.

The BH comes in then and she repeats the same to him. His instant response " As handsome as Dada??"

She immediately corrects her statement " no.. not that much.. little less". Father and daughter walk away happily hand in hand!

Day 5 - Fitness

The last year was devoted to health.

I didn't meet my weight loss goals, but did stick to some exercise or the other at least 50% of the time. Resumed Kathak classes, so that takes care of two days a week. Then started yoga, so another two days a week. Walked 3 km to office for 3 months.

On an average, I would say I did something at least once a week.

Even if the scales have fluctuated as always, what has really improved is my stamina. I can feel it coming back to what it used to be. I dont get tired that easily, I can walk for longer periods of time. For New Year, we did a small hike uphill and I was fine. It was doable.

This year, I want to focus more on healthy eating and ensure that my metabolism also picks up.
Plan to add one healthy habit every week and keep adding to this.

In Jan:

• Lemon water/cinnamon water to start the day
• 4-6 soaked almonds
• Exercise daily

Day 4 : Conversations with Mowgli

'When I'm 32 years old, will you buy a bike for me?'

'Hmmmm.. okay. We'll see when you are 32 years old.'

'I want a duke.. orange bike.. like Momo's'

'Hmmmm.. okay'

After some time of thinking..

'Dada, then can I drive your Bullet to college? So that I'll learn to drive and be very thorough by the time you buy the Duke for me'

The BH gives him a priceless look and says.. 'Maybe you can take the bus to college and buy the Duke yourself when you get a job!!'

Day 3 – Habits

I read the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin in 2016.  We were on our way to the Chandrashila trek and this was my reading material. I had taken a notepad and planned to take notes and make changes. As always, in the mountains when there are no distractions, the mind is calm, you are happy and feeling positive it’s very easy to make the resolutions. Back at home, all the resolutions went for a toss. Today for no reason, I remembered this book.

It talks about picking up one personal commandment you want to live out that makes you happy and stick to it the entire month. In the next month add another commandment along with the current one. It holds true for any area in your life where you want to make a long lasting change. So after some amount of soul searching I decided to pick something I’ve always struggled with : Do What You Have To

Do what needs to be done.. do what I want to do.. do what excites me.. without waiting for others to motivate me or for their approval. What I have realized is that I always need a cheer leader behind me.. someone to encourage me, to keep track of me when I fumble.. but this year I want to move on and get that discipline myself. To not resent what others are doing or not doing.. to just get on with what I have to do and get it done.

Day 2 - What do I want to be?

When I was small, I wanted to be a doctor.. That dream was crushed when I didn't score a high rank in the entrance exams. Went on to do engineering with the goal of becoming financially independent. Did my MBA because of the recession when I passed out. Joined the first company and they placed me in an analytics team and just like that, that became my career. Till date, I have not consciously hunted out career options or what else I could try out. And now after close to 14 years in this field, I'm at a stage where the "What Next?" beckons. and frankly speaking I don't know.

If there was no pressure to be financially independent, then I think I would dance. Train in a dance form and focus on that completely. Perform, teach, learn.. I would have loved that.

Another dream has been to do something related to the environment - setting up green spaces in cities, making composting a reality, planning urban spaces that have a huge green element.

Till date, I have not consciously worked towards either of the two. Sporadic dance classes and reading up is what I've done. But this year, I want to do something that brings me closer to these dreams.. That first step that will convert these to reality.

Universe... send me good vibes... send me opportunities..

Day 1 - Year that was

2017 was.. i dont know.. not ordinary, but not earth shattering either. It was a year that plodded on, had setbacks, had wins, had travel, had good times and less of the bad times... it was a year that made me constantly question myself - Am I doing all that I want to do? Am I wasting my time? and the ubiquitous 'What next?'

This was a year that I struggled with discipline - both professionally and personally. Professionally, I was demotivated, the long hours were taking a toll and I have reached a point where I realize that having a supportive team and manager are very important to me. Different people have different motivators, but for me these are more important than the financial aspect. I procrastinated on tasks, did the bare minimum that was needed, yo-yo'ed between high efficiency and rock bottom laziness. Got out of a bad project, faced my first sexual harassment at work episode, went onsite for two months, got a lot of accolades and brick bats - it was a mixed year.

Personally, I've tried to eat healthy at least half of the time, exercise was irregular. Stopped all medications. The good part was that I resumed Kathak and enjoying my two classes a week. Have been able to improve my stamina and general fitness, though no weight loss. The goal I had set for myself at the beginning of the year, to reduce 10 kgs, didn't happen. I ended the year at the same wight I started.

Did a mindfulness training, and started meditation- again on and off... Read quite a lot - but not a lot of good books. Was awed by Marie Kondo and desperately want to implement it.

Travelled quite a bit - Goa, Australia, Andamans, Coorg. New experiences - snorkelling, camping, houseboat and a week long road trip.

This year, I gave thanks for my family -the BH, kids, dogs almost every night. It was my anchor when the going got tough at work, when I was emotionally dejected, when my health just wasn't improving. The thought that whatever goes wrong in my life, I still have this one thing that is perfect for me. And friends. Growing old with the BH and the same set of friends.

And I have learnt to let go... to not jump into decisions... to not judge... to breathe and let life take me where it wants.. maybe thats how I will find myself.