Happy birthday!

Happy birthday...

Been 20 years since we met
That senior who tried to look rough, but had the heart of a softie
Who became a friend pretty fast
To a trusted friend.. to a life partner..

Who taught me to drive and more importantly to drive as if I owned the road
Who allowed me to go where I want and do what I want
Who has been the wind under my wings....

The trips.. the long drives...the laughs.. the tears.. the fights... the comfort... the warm feet...the confidence...the love.. the life

Smile always...
God bless
Go conquer the world!!! I have your back!

Happy birthday and lots and lots of love and kisses

Be with me

Be with me

You make me calm and contented

Happy with the world around me

Excited to go do what I want to do

Be with me

The world is gloomy without you

I go through the motions and survive

There is no laughter...no sparkle

Be with me

Hold my hand always

Hug me hard

Smile at me

Talk to me

Argue with me

Be with me

You are

  My strength

  My sounding board

  My eternal optimist to all my pessimistic thoughts

You complete me though you don’t realize it... you bring out the best in me (and sometimes the worst!)

Be with me 

Stay with me

Laugh with me

Love me

Live with me

Be with me in this warm cocoon that we have created and call ours.. ours and ours alone

Feb Day 3

The mantra for January was " Do what you have to".

Did this change my life? Not really, coz I think I’m the person who does go out and do things without really thinking a lot about what others will say.

But this did help me in doing some things which I would have otherwise not followed up. Like the get together we organised at our flat. The BH got quite irritated in the beginning, muttering that it’s only us who are interested and why do we have to do this and such. I knew that people were interested, it’s was just a matter of somebody doing the organising and putting it together. The venue was planned in a day, tasks given to people, counts taken. And just like school days, there was this initial set of people who raised their hands and slowly slowly everybody else raised their hands... the BH rallied around to get the food organised and to take care of the budget. And we pulled it off in just two days. 

It was a huge success with many people thanking us personally and publicly. Everybody had fun. Movies were organised for the kids, so that adults could have some peace and quiet. There was good food and drinks. Somebody brought a speaker and  a microphone, started off an impromptu antakshari session. And it was really good to spend time with all the families. 

It wasn't really that difficult.. the doing part, I mean. Its more difficult getting people to confirm whether they would attend or not, distributing tasks amongst the volunteers and then dealing with random feedback at the end of everything. The older me would have got worked up with the BH’s irritation, blamed the other families for not offering to help out etc etc. but here, I was calm. I knew I would do this, at least once.If it didn’t work out, it didn’t. But I needed to try it out. And it worked out beautifully.

Feb Day 1

What will it take to tell yes to everything?

To trust the other person

To let go that they are capable of taking that informed decision And that it’s not within me to decide what another should or shouldn’t do?

I think this comes from my mother. Her first response to everything was no. More from a fear of what others will think, society, afraid that she would be judged for saying yes to her daughters. The no would turn to yes, but it always took time and was a reluctant yes. What that has ingrained in me is a constant second guessing of my decisions. Am I doing the right thing taking the right path and therefore never confident enough to take a decision alone always needing outside validation. It worked the opposite way on my sister. She stopped asking my mom or anybody for that matter permission. She took her own decisions made her own mistakes and learnt from those.

Yesterday when I told no to the BH for something he has been looking forward to for a long time he was hurt. Well so was I that he could change his plans so casually without even thinking about us and this is always the norm when it comes to his friends. But something he said stayed with me 'If you behave like this then how can I ever take a decision? Because at the back of my mind I will always have this feeling that I don’t know how you will react.' And I remember shouting at my mom with the same words...

To remember

that it was the BH who held the fort when things got crazy at work..
who picked and dropped kids for their classes..
who managed dinner when I was too busy and worn out to even think about it..
who serviced the car and ran around for all the insurance papers..
who filled the forms and submitted the documents for an upcoming trip...
along with managing his job...
who serves as the role model for Mowgli and Bambi.. That when things get hectic you dont lie down and complain.. instead you roll up your sleeves and get work done..
who stood by me always and for ever!

Thank you is inadequate.... Still, I say to you... Thank you for everything

Travelling with the BH

A good art of travel is the company you keep. A beautiful place can become a forgettable trip if you don’t gel with your companions. 

For me, almost all my travels have been with the BH either alone or in a  group. Increasingly as I go for trips without him, I realize that I prefer to travel with the BH. All said and done the familiarity we share is something nothing else can replace. Knowing that you want the same things. We both are fine with basic places to stay preferring to spend on food and sight-seeing. We both don't mind walking for ages and have done that whenever we travel sans kids. With the BH around, you can rest assured that we’ll explore the local cuisine. The last time we were in Goa, we walked into a home that had a “Lunch Ready’ Board. There were three or four tables and the food was served on their veranda. Simple homemade tasty food and our first kombucha!  There is always the surety of knowing that if one suggests an offbeat idea the other will definitely second it. 

Recently when I was in Goa on an office trip, it just brought this thought home - we are the best travel partners for each other!!!

Love

the heady rush of the anticipation of seeing that someone
walking down corridors eagerly hoping to get a glimpse
spending time saying nothing , content with the proximity

to
crossing the road hand in hand
a lazy leg thrown over a sleeping form
warm feet to snuggle into

to
bike rides without the kids
learning new things
long trips with the kids

to
hospital visits together
illness and hangovers
obesity and medicine strips

for better, for worse
for richer, for poorer
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish
till death do us part....

Scolding!

Morning rush time again.. Mowgli and I were hurrying down the lift- it was not really late, but close. Mowgli was whining that he wanted to be dropped by car and I was grumbling that its just a 2 min walk and we are not that late. In the rush, he accidentally pressed the wrong button. I started shouting at him and the lift door opened at the same time. At the wrong floor. Where our neighbour was standing. He looked at both of us, awkwardly smiling at him, smiled at us and looked at me "Dont scold him, its alright". The lift doors closed at the right time just so he didn't see my eyes tear up.

I dropped Mowgli (no, he wasn't late! there was plenty of time!) and all the way back I kept thinking about what my neighbour said. Did he mean the shouting in the lift or was he talking about something else? Could they hear me shouting at the kids almost all the time these days? I wonder what they think about us? And the biggest one - AM I a bad mother?

I realise that I take out most of my frustration on the kids and the dogs. Mowgli in particular because he is the messy one, louder one and the elder one. I keep forgetting that they are only nine and five years.. Not old enough to behave like adults.... But they are the most convenient outlets and that makes me feeling worse. How bad can I get to take out my anger on two small kids???

My frustration at not being to understand why the BH retreats into a  shell most of these days... as far as I know there is nothing wrong and it just seems like a i-dont-care-whats-with-my family thought that drives the BH to his shell. Where he will sit for days, answering in monosyllables, sitting quiet throughout the day. I don't know what triggers this and its driving me crazy. Is it me? Is it something I said? Is it something I did? And then I keep thinking why should it always be about me? I'm sick and tired of accepting the blame for everything that goes wrong around here. In spite of all that I do, there always seems to be a huge gap.

God bless all of us. What else to do?

Unspoken words...

"Why mama, you are not happy?"
"is it of me?"

asks Bambi very innocently. What do I tell her? Its not her or Mowgli.. Its just me and the BH. The fights that go unspoken build up and this is how I take it out. Shouting at the kids for a messy room, for homework not done, for noise, for what not!

I've had a long week at work..flew back in to my city expecting a royal welcome. The kids are all over me.. The BH is happy and then gets back into his pensive mode.. I try to talk, but its difficult.. this one-way traffic. Its been going on for quite some time. Mood swings at the click of a button, irritation, frustration. I try hard to understand.. give him the leeway of the pressure he is in.. but at one point of time, I snap! there is just so much that one can take. Now that the tides have changed- the orders have started, work is picking up, its unfair to attribute this sullenness to the pressure. Sometimes, i feel its a very convenient way to shift blame to the other party, so that you continue as the injured party nursing whatever grievances. The kids sense it, they cant see it for even we do not fully understand why we are behaving the way we are. But its there, like a fine mist.. clouding everything.. for every word that I speak, the next thought in my mind is "will this make him close up?" I sift through my thoughts, my words stepping carefully until everything becomes mechanical and not me! I wish this would change.. Do not want us to be so negative when there is really nothing to be negative about...

More than anything else, I miss the BH. The one I knew.. loved.. married...

The much awaited first order comes!!!

Dear BH,

This has been a momentous week for you. your first order. Its been a year of struggle, doubts, pessimism and optimism in equal measure. 12 months since you started this company…18 months since you resigned after a career of 10 years… I’ve watched you from the sidelines not knowing what to do.. every time you’ve wanted something so badly, there has always been a way to get that for you. but this was different. I could just watch, try to support .. but this was all about you. you had to do it.. face your frustrations.. your fears.. the negative voices having a ball inside and outside.. it was difficult..

I would watch you get excited after calls.. tell me ‘yes, this does seem like a deal’... I would tell you ‘don’t get excited. let it come’ ever wary of the gods who look and get jealous.. you would turn and say ‘ rubbish! As if!’.. ‘might not be,but why take the risk’.. we would go on in the same vein…

I am proud of you… much more than you can imagine... for this is about you and you alone. You have done this on your own with no support from anybody else.. nobody to guide or mentor you. you decided your path.. worked towards it… (on your broken laptop).. cold calling random people… setting up meetings which nobody would attend… and still soldiering on hopeful that the tide would change. And it did.

This is just your first order.. a harbinger of many many more to come… and they will come.. that’s for sure…

God bless you with a smile on your face always and hope in your heart and the grit to make your dreams come true!

Lotsa luv,
Me.

conversations

BH to me "oh.. You coloured your hair by yourself."
"Yup. How did you know?"
"Your ears are black!!!"
**********************************
"Mama, Mowgliku no frens in daycare. ellarum go home."
"So what. You go make new friends. When mama joined college, I had no friends at all. Then I went and made friends with different people. see, dada was my friend in college."
Mowgli takes some time to digest this nugget of wisdom. He looks at the BH with a confused look and then back at me "dada was your fren in college?"
"Ya"
"then why is he here now also?????" (Friends are supposed to go home, why is the dada still with us?)
***********************************
"Mamade chweetie baby aara?"
"Bambi" she gurgles
"Mamade cutie pie aara?"
"Bambi" a chubby dimpled cheek smiles
"Mamade naughty baby aara?"
"MOWGLI!" she laughs out!
This girl!!!
**********************************
You know when the girl is spending too much time with her brothers when she insists on standing and peeing! Just like the boys!

Srilanka Travels

Long overdue posts coming up….

First THE vacation!

What can I tell you, except that with so many people envying us this trip there had to be a glitch! The glitch here was that I who never fall sick, got the fever. And what a fever. 104 degrees on Sunday evening two hours before our train to Chennai. Kids safely at in-laws place. My parents giving me glaring looks. Dad grumbling that “this is not an entrance exam that you  HAVE to leave. You can always do this later”. After all the planning that we’d done, do this later? No Ways!!! Armed with tonnes of medicines, we said our goodbyes and got into the train. The journey to Chennai was a blur. I remember people making room for me to lie down, almost fainting in the Volvo bus, throwing up at the Chennai station the next morning. Its all very vague. The only thing I remember very clearly is me telling random people “I’ll be fine. We have 9 days there. There is no way I can be sick for 9 whole days!”.

We reached Colombo without further mishaps. Colombo airport seemed like a resort with all the tropical plants and greenery around. Have never seen so many orchids together. Met our driver and officially started our FIRST vacation post kids! Onward to Dambulla. Keeping Dambulla as a stopover, we did Sigiriya and Polonnaruwa the next day. I was feeling much better, almost like myself. Climbed up 1500 steps..the view was definitely worth it! A huge palace atop a rock. Interlinked pools, murals, shining walls... Magnificent. Saw a lot of ruins with numerous Budhas’. Sitting , standing, lying down. What was common across all the statues was the serenity exuded. Calm, peaceful. Its as if nothing could matter. You could stand there for ages looking at him. Over enthusiasm invariably results in a fall. Very predictatably the BH fell sick. 

[The entrance to the palace on the top of the rock]

For the next 4 days that’s all we did. Fall sick in turns. In between lying comatose, we managed to visit Kandy and Nuwaraeliya. Fortified with various antibiotics and analgesics, like resolute tourists we climbed every rock, scaled every metaphorical peak and saw everything that these places had to offer. Kandy had a traditional Srilankan dance performance which was amazing. Vey similar to theyyam, the dancers wore various masks and sang as they danced. Beautiful performance. Not to miss.

We were getting better and better, marked mainly by how our appetite improved. By the time we reached Nuwaraeliya, I was fine and ravenous. Days of not eating properly had made me so irritated with life in general. A mini hill station. What struck us both was how beautifully everything was maintained. Clean. There were bins all around and everything was very tidy. (Colombo, though was a different story!)

[Murals]

[Swimming pools with a view for the royalty]

The road to Nuwaraeliya was beautiful flanked by vegetable farms on one side and the hills on the other. Roadside shops burst with fresh produce. Lettuce of all varieties, leeks, cauliflowers, cabbages it was a tantalizing sight. Reinforced the fact that we had to get our house in the hills. Ended our trip with three days of relaxation at the beach. Bentota. Snorkelled, gorged on sea food, slept, walked on the beach, relaxed. Then off to Colombo for one last day of frantic shopping. It’s a very lovely country and really friendly people. The food was very similar to Kerala food and there were no delicacies per say.

[1 day old baby turtle]

The whole trip, in  spite of the fever, was just pure relaxation. No shouting Mowgli Mowgli every second minute. No worries. Eat, drink, read, sleep. Bliss. We did miss the two imps, the BH more than me, and preponed our flight back. I for one was pretty happy with not having to rack my brains over what to make for breakfast, lunch and the like. There were things that they would have also enjoyed like the trip to the turtle hatchery and playing in the beach. But that’s okay. We normally take them along wherever we go and for kids their age they have travelled quite a lot. Hoping that this turns out to be an annual affair. Maybe not so long. But at least a week without kids. Just seeing the expressions on people’s faces when we told them “we have two kids” made this trip so worthwhile!!! ( most of them thought we were honeymooning! Hohoho)

Mowgli and Bambi had a gala time at the BH’s place and at mine. Barring one or two times when they missed us, the rest of the time they acted as if they never even knew us. Bambi was initially reluctant to come to us, but after some time she cooly shifted loyalties from my mom to us. Mowgli, on the other hand, hugged and asked us the usual million dollar question “ what did you bring for me!”

The trip ended on our anniversary with the BH gifting me a sapphire. :-)

Cheers to years of togetherness.

Seven years down..

Many more to go...

Away...

We are going.....
For a vacation....
Just us..
No Kids.. No Dog..
Lazy mornings....
Relaxed sight seeing...
A break from being mama and dada...

Bags packed...
Highly ambitious itinerary planned right down to tea time snacks....
Staked claim to the important things..

From: BH
Sent: Monday, October 08, 2012 2:56 PM
To: Me

Subject: RE: I BOOK THE KINDLE

I book the Ipod and headset :-)

 

From: Me

Sent: 08 October 2012 14:55
To: BH
Subject: I BOOK THE KINDLE

Am so looking forward to it...