Unspoken words...

"Why mama, you are not happy?"
"is it of me?"

asks Bambi very innocently. What do I tell her? Its not her or Mowgli.. Its just me and the BH. The fights that go unspoken build up and this is how I take it out. Shouting at the kids for a messy room, for homework not done, for noise, for what not!

I've had a long week at work..flew back in to my city expecting a royal welcome. The kids are all over me.. The BH is happy and then gets back into his pensive mode.. I try to talk, but its difficult.. this one-way traffic. Its been going on for quite some time. Mood swings at the click of a button, irritation, frustration. I try hard to understand.. give him the leeway of the pressure he is in.. but at one point of time, I snap! there is just so much that one can take. Now that the tides have changed- the orders have started, work is picking up, its unfair to attribute this sullenness to the pressure. Sometimes, i feel its a very convenient way to shift blame to the other party, so that you continue as the injured party nursing whatever grievances. The kids sense it, they cant see it for even we do not fully understand why we are behaving the way we are. But its there, like a fine mist.. clouding everything.. for every word that I speak, the next thought in my mind is "will this make him close up?" I sift through my thoughts, my words stepping carefully until everything becomes mechanical and not me! I wish this would change.. Do not want us to be so negative when there is really nothing to be negative about...

More than anything else, I miss the BH. The one I knew.. loved.. married...