Who are you guys?

Reading my blog??????
Will thou please take a few minutes to delurk and tell me who you are?
I am curious, you see.
Please humour me.
Please?

Back and feeling so much better.

It was viral fever and the head aches were sinus realted ones and everything is under control now with the proper medication and steam inhalation. I really don’t know why I was so dumb or block headed to suffer for more than two weeks. Every day in office by about 4/5 I would start shivering. Then the pain in my head would start. I would be unable to look at the screen or concentrate on the work. I was also getting dizzy at times. And the moron that I am it never actually occurred to me that it could be because I am not well. I was thinking that maybe I’m going into some depression or else the headaches were psychological. Why I behaved in such an illogical way and suffered so much pain is beyond me?
Finally when the headaches got really worse and the pain started bringing tears to my eyes at night, I thought enough is enough. I need to go see a doctor. Or better still finally I called my dad! (Now don’t start off on why I didn’t call him earlier!! As I said I was not sane!) He prescribed antibiotics, told me I had sinus (!). I took the medicines and went to office thinking that all will be well. After some time I very nearly fainted. A colleague rushed me to the medical; room to check my BP. Everything was normal thankfully. Just a fever. The BH came and picked me up from office. I just went home and crashed. That day and the next day is a haze. I just remember sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.
Alls well that ends well./ I have learnt my lesson here. If not well call appa immediately!!!
And peace returns to the jungle house.

Can the doctor prescribe it?

‘My back is aching’, she says.
‘Hmmm’. He tiredly presses it for her.
‘My feet are so tired. I cannot sleep’
He rubs her feet with some oil and massages it.
‘My head is paining. Can you rub some balm? ‘He half-heartedly rubs the balm grumbling that she is always complaining about aches and pains these days.
‘My shoulder is hurting. I cant move it. ‘
‘My eyes hurt from staring at the screen for so long.’
‘My heels have cracked again and its painful to walk’.
‘We need to go see a doctor for all these pains. It is becoming a daily routine these days.’ He mutters half asleep.
She looks at him in the darkness and says in her mind. ‘I do not need a doctor. I need love.’

One small step forward and two mighty steps back!

It is so easy to go back into depression. When things return to square one. When whatever you do is the ‘wrong’ thing to do. There are times when I can fool myself that yes life is good. The bad phase is over. We can look forward to happy times. And it takes just one word or a look to bring back the desperations and frustrations. Its not just me. It’s the BH also. I know he is mighty sad about the accident and we losing almost our entire savings to repair it. But…. When do we get our lives back?
Listening to Maa from Taare Zameen Par and feel like crying.
I miss the BH. Not the one who currently lives with me. But the one I fell in love with and wanted to get married and grow old together. I am sure the BH is also missing me. Not the present me, but the 23 year old me who was full of life and for whom everything was possible. The present one is only a shadow of the past!

Sob sob...

Hi folks. Its been a long time since you heard from me. Well, what with the lady of the house deciding to go back to work it has been a tumultuous period for all. How am I coping, you ask? Surviving. Barely surviving. A lot of things that I took for granted have disappeared now.
After that #$@#@$#$%% man slammed into our car, a lot of things have changed in my life. You know the daily walks that were the joy of my day. It was such a perfect start to the day to just run around that lovely park, dig up that dirty mud, growl at the mean dogs (I always used to check that the master/lady had a stone before growling. No life threatening risks, right?). And the best part was when they let me off that horrible leash and I could just run and run and run. Heavenly. There’s nothing like a good run to expend all that energy and to build up a good appetite. The lady of the house keeps on complaining that I’m not eating well these days. If she would ask me I could have told her, it’s the lack of exercise. After all how much can I run inside the house and over the diwan and around the table? I understand that it’s not their fault, they have had to borrow cars from their friends and it’s not possible to take me in those cars. I shed a lot, you see. And ever since Mr.Mowgli hid the nozzle of the vacuum cleaner the master does not even have the option of cleaning the car after I go in it. I tell them ‘No Worries.’
What hurts me more is that everybody is so concerned about how that little imp Mowgli is adjusting. Hello! I am younger than him, okay. Somebody ask me also how I am doing! The lady of the house sometimes asks me, but I could do with a lot more pampering, folks. You see, I thrive on love and attention. Boy, you should have seen her today morning. She was almost ready to kill me!!! Now, don’t look at me like that. I didn’t do anything. Just ripped a quilt into pieces. It was great fun J and yes last week I chewed up about four hawai slippers and three good shoes. Me was bored. That’s it. They just make a big hue and cry about all these. What about Mr.Mowgli breaking those three nice cups? That, nobody has a problem with.
It’s a dog’s world after all!!!

Hers.

They sleep together. On one end is the youngest and he takes up the space for two grown-ups. With arms splayed and most of the time horizontal, he is at his cutest. Fast asleep. Sometimes he smiles, sometimes he frowns. Wonder what he dreams of? Next to him is the woman and next to her the man. She is squashed in between the two. She tosses and turns throughout the night. Turning from left to right. At times hugging the small one, muttering prayers in his ears, holding his little feet and tiny fingers reveling in how they feel in her hands. At time she turns to the man. Hugging him close. Smelling his hair. Burrowing her cold feet under his always warm feet. Deriving strength from that strong and solid persona. In some ways that is how her life is. Her time and space divided between the two. The dog comes back from her rounds and jumps on the forbidden bed. Finds a cozy place on the quilt. Rests her head on the first available ankle and sighs a blissful sigh. The woman is partly awake partly asleep. The day that was and the day to be run through her subconscious mind. At some point in the night she drops off conscious of the man’s and the child’s hands on her stomach. One big rough hand. One tiny baby soft hand. Her family. She has fought hard for him and together they have brought the other. She drifts off with the last thoughts of the day being that of them. Her man and her child. Hers. Totally.

You used to

You used to begin the day by hugging me. It just had to be me.
Your eyes used to light up when you would see me after I had disappeared for a couple of hours
You used to come running after me wanting me to hug you and hold you after I had scolded you or given you a small spank
You used to cling to me when you wanted to sleep
You used to hug me tight whenever you were tired
How much ever I screamed at you or scolded you, I was still your favourite
You used to hate it if somebody else other than me hugged you at night.
You used to love playing with me.
You used to be a perfect mama’s boy.
You used to run to me for everything you wanted
You used to say ‘mama’ a thousand times a day
You used to be mine. Exclusively.

You used to ‘love’ me.
Why do I get the feeling that you don’t now?

Do you see me as the evil mother who leaves you with other people and walks away without a backward glance?

30 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I TURN 30

1. Stand on the Himalayas (any of the top 10 peaks!)
2. Get a tattoo- preferably of cupid or the cute nappy clad devil
3. Get back to 60 kgs!!!
4. Be FRM certified
5. Visit Ladakh
6. Drive the car on a regular basis
7. Wear a dress- those flowery flowery ones
8. Get promoted in my current job
9. Learn Drums
10. Get back to dancing
11. Publish an article
12. Plant at least ONE tree
13. Drive the Bolero on a long drive (P.S.Buying the Bolero features in the BH’s list of 30 things!!!)
14. Enjoy a sunrise/sunset with Mowgli
15. Touch a tiger cub ( at least a cub)
16. Have a thriving balcony garden filled with the flowers I dream of
17. Exercise regularly
18. Go on a trek/trip every three months.
19. Go for the moonlight cycling trip with the BH
20. To be more at peace with myself, calmer with the BH and Mowgli, thinking twice before I react.
21. To sing at my sister’s wedding (i.e. if she agrees to get married !)
22. To visit Doodh sagar Falls and attempt a final Goodbye to Kitu
23. Take the parents and the in-laws on a huge vacation ( separately or together J)
24. Get a second ear stud
25. Let go of the past- the hurts, the slights, the pointing fingers
26. Sponsor a child
27. Go for dinner wearing something totally outrageous
28. Give a training/guest lecture at any B-school
29. Learn to enjoy and treasure my time with BH and Mowgli and Cocoa and be thankful for what I have
30. LIVE LIFE KINGSIZE

I have 16 months to do all this. My time starts now!!!

Time heals everything,

so they say. I disagree.
Time just dulls everything. It makes you go about in that daily routine and somehow you find yourself burying the memories deep inside till you reach a stage when you can reopen your wounds and not feel that searing pain, but just a dull ache.
It’s been 8 months now since my brother left us so suddenly. And it’s okay now; I can talk about it to people without the tears welling up. But there are moments when I’m caught unaware. Whenever I read any piece of news that has a height metric in it. The moment I see xxxx metres tall, I think of 30 metres deep. That’s where they found his body. 30 metres deep. 100 feet. I think of how many 6 foot men should stand on top of each other to reach that depth. I catch my breath and bite that trembling lip willing hard not to let the tears start. Who could have predicted that such a tragedy would befall him? We go through life thinking that all such things happen to ‘other people’ and when suddenly it happens to us we are shell shocked. I cannot enter a swimming pool now without a momentary catch in my throat. The moment I dip my head into the water and stop breathing, I start panicking. Will I drown? Is this how he felt? How long would he have struggled? It takes all my determination to actually open my eyes under water and I force myself to swim knowing that if I succumb to this fear once, then that’s it. I will never get into the water again. For him, I WILL swim. I will not be afraid and break down.
I have just one prayer. Wherever he is God, keep him safe.
Let him be at peace for we who remain can never hope to be.

Chak De India!

Was listening to Chak De songs and just realized that I want to see this movie again. I have already seen it a couple of times and each time I enjoy it. There is that thrill that goes up when you hear ‘Vidya Sharma, India’. And the Sattar Minute dialogue is again one of the most memorable parts of the movie. The patriotism that makes you stand up for your country. The feeling of utmost responsibility that comes from representing your country! Its amazing!!!
I have always wished that I could do something that would make my country proud. The BH also shares the sentiment. In fact he was very keen to take the IAS examinations. But somehow with things happening that just remained a dream. A couple of weeks back, I was making the morning tea when he ruefully looked at me and said ‘This is the last year that I can appear for the IAS’. Sad that they have an age limit. And there went my dreams of being the woman behind THE MAN J I would preen and simper at meetings where he would refer all his brainwaves and say “ I thank God for giving me such an intelligent wife and blah blah blah! And I would smile graciously at the cameras and go ‘Oh not at all He is just joking!” Spoof!!! That’s how the dreams vanished and I was thrown back into reality in my shorts and oats-mango-rice-dal stained T-shirt with a spoon in my hands. Well, we can dream cant we?
Now I just hope that maybe Mowgli will do something that makes India proud. I don’t know in what field, anything will do... Sports, academics, art anything.
Just make us proud baby.
And make India proud!
Cheers!!!
P.S. The Sattar Minute Dialogue

Sattar minute. Sattar minute hain tumhaare paas. Shaayad tumhari zindagi ke
sabse khaas sattar minute. Aaj tum achha khelo ya bura, yeh sattar minute tumhe
zindagi bhar yaad rahenge. Aur kaise khelna hai, aaj main tumhe nahin bataoonga.
Bas itna kahoonga ki jao aur yeh sattar minute jee bharkar khel lo. Kyunki iske
baad aane wali zindagi mein chahe kuch sahi ho ya na ho, chahe kuch rahe ya na
rahe, tum haaro ya jeeto, lekin yeh sattar minute tumse koi nahin chheen sakta.
Koi nahin. Toh maine socha ki is match mein kaisa khelna hai aaj main tumhe
nahin bataaoonga balki tum mujhe bataoge. Khelkar. Kyunki main jaanta hoon, ki
agar yeh sattar minute is team ka har player apni zindagi ki sabse badhiya
hockey khel gaya toh yeh sattar minute khuda bhi tumse waapas nahin maang sakta.
Toh jao. Jao aur apne aap se, is zindagi se, apne khuda se, aur har us insaan se
jisne tumhe... tumpar bharosa nahin kiya, apne sattar minute chheen
lo.
"Seventy minutes. You have seventy minutes. Perhaps the most special
seventy minutes of your life. Whether you play well today or not, you will
remember these seventy minutes for the rest of your life. And today, I will not
tell you how to play. All I will say is - go and play these seventy minutes to
your heart's content. Because whether what happens to your life after this is
right or not, whether you have anything or not, whether you lose or win, no one
can snatch away these seventy minutes from you. No one. So I decided that I
won't tell you how to play; you will tell me. Through your game. Because I know
that if in these seventy minutes, every player of this team plays the best
hockey of her life, then even God can't ask you for these seventy minutes back.
Go on. Go and snatch your seventy minutes. From yourself. From this life. From
your God. And from every single person who did not believe in you."

Courtesy www.sayesha.blogspot.com

Growing up so fast... Wish you wouldn't!

Dear Mowgli,
Let me get this down before the terrible two’s and the teens strike us.
You are a joy to us. Pure joy. In every sense of the word. And our lives revolve around you. Period. Whatever happens , wherever you go, however you turn out I think this will always remain constant. That our lives begin and end with you.
When you were small ( read as ‘a couple of months ago’) I used to wish that you would sleep for two hours or even more just so I could finish the work and relax. But now I hate it when you sleep for more than an hour and I itch to wake you -for gone are the days when I spent every waking minute with you. You have adjusted beautifully-lets leave out the daily natak at the daycare bit- to me working. You are happy to be with your dada and cocoa. Occasionally you go stand in front of the fridge look at my photograph pasted there and ask wonderingly ma-ma? But even those instances have reduced. For most of the time you don’t even ask for me now. At one level I am relieved and happy and at another purely mom level I hate it! Totally hate the way by which you have just shut me out of your life for some part of your day. (I now understand how your dada feels when he goes on a tour and you don’t even care!)Your Dada on the other hand is positively glowing. From ignoring him for the first 18 months of your life, you have changed in to a dada’s yes man! Earlier when dada would hug me or pretend to box me around, you would come to my rescue. Now you join with your dada to pummel me down!!!!
You are the most adorable rascal around. You have your favorites - for the Amm’s you take the plate from the drawer and follow me around with the most demanding ‘mama- amm’ till I put some cornflakes or anything else in that plate. To play with your bat/ball its always dada. And for all those naughty things which dada and mama will not allow, you call out for your bua! And at the daycare it’s the watchman and the accountant lady. You smile only at them, hug them and wave ‘Babye’ at them God forbid if anybody else decided to touch you. You turn into a monster screaming your lungs out biting them and what not!!!
You are becoming quite insistent, stubborn would be a better word, fiercely independent even to the extent of wanting to wear a cap to sleep if you so decide! You like playing with other kids, though at times you smother them with kisses and at times refuse to share THEIR toys with them! Cocoa is again your all time favourite with her tummy acting as your pillow, feeding her water with a spoon, running behind her with her bowl and forcing her to eat! And whatever we tell you, you tell cocoa. So when cocoa is barking you tell her a strict ‘Nooo’ and a ‘Shhshhh’ , run after her with a rolled up paper whenever you are in the mood for some authority display! Overall you are a 24 hr nonstop entertainment channel and WE LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!