When only memories remain

I had started this post a cople of weeks back. Could never finish it. Would start and then stop and start again. It hurt a lot to complete this. But I had to do this, for myself. For Kitu. For Mowgli.

Dear Mowgli,
You will be a big boy when you read this.
Big enough to understand your mama and dada.
Big enough to know what we are going through when we tell you not to do certain things and why we tell you so.
Big enough to know that you mean the world to us even if we don’t always behave that way.

Its been almost a month since your uncle died. My brother. You have met him just twice, once when you were a baby and second a couple of months back. You had played with him though he was afraid to hold you. He was enthralled by you.
You were just seven months.
He was just 19.
He was into his third year engineering in BITS Goa. Had gone trekking with his friends to DoodhSagar waterfalls. He always loved the water, was crazy about it. He jumped into the small pool made by the running water not heeding the local’s warning that the currents are dangerous and it is deep under the falls. Maybe he was showing off to his friends’ maybe just enjoying being in the water thrilled at nature- nobody knows what happened. At one point he swam too close to the place where the water was falling from a great height and he couldn’t swim back. Could be the currents, or else he got tired or else leg cramps we don’t know. His friends could not save him. The locals gathered there did not jump into the water saying that it was too deep and dangerous. Nobody helped him. He slowly drowned in front of everybody’s eyes. His friends trekked downhill to get some help, but by the time they got to the police station it was already dark and the police said they could search only the next day.
They later found his body the next day 30m deep.

He was so young.
Just starting his life.
I had spoken to him the week before. Talking about what to do after engg. Coming to Bangalore for his summer project. Generally making fun plans for the future. He will not come again.
For his marriage I would have been standing behind his bride. His eldest sister. Now that will not be. He has gone on to another world leaving all of us heart broken.
Its true life goes on and time heals everything. Yet there are times when that dull ache comes. When I see somebody his age I think of him and feel sad that he has missed out on so many things. That trip I was planning with all my cousins, we never got to it and now it is too late. I wanted to go to Goa once and meet him and his friends. Too late for that also.
Too late for so many things.
Too late to tell him how much he meant to me.

And a lot of questions that remain.
Why did he have to swim in the waterfalls?
Didnt he have some sense to see that it was dangerous?
Why didnt any of his friends tell him not to get in?
What the bloody hell were they all thinking?
And the worst question that still tortures me
Did he struggle a lot? What must have gone through his mind at that time. Why did God have to do this to him? Couldnt HE have helped him?
My poor kitu. Lying all alone in the water for an entire 24 hours!!! I cannot even think of it.

Memories that hit you when you least expect it.
I always wanted an elder brother instead of a younger sister. used to think that if I could not get an elder brother would make do with the younger ones. We would all meet at my grand parents house for the summer vacation. I being the eldest and the laziest would generally prefer to read a book and laze in the hammock. He, his bro, my sis and my youngest cousin would play outside the whole day. Shuttle, TT, house, hotel and what not. He was the one who taught me to play Monopoly and Chess. Tried to teach me TT also, but I was too lazy to run around. Evenings we would go to the club where my grand father would try to teach us all to swim. Only he picked it up. The rest of us would just flap about and play in the water.
When I was in school I wanted a teddy bear very much. Must be from reading too many Enid Blytons. My mom refused saying that I was too old for that sort of thing. For his birthday he got three teddy bears out of which I flicked one. Till I got married I used to sleep snuggling it.
When he was small he would look at the buses passing by and pick out a name from them. The whole day we had to call him by that name. One day it would be 'Suresh' ,another day it would be "Kurisingal" and many more. We used to die laughing at his stupid names.
That wildcraft bag we bought him for his treks. He loved it.
There will be no kids of his growing up along with you.
I wish I had seen him more often, called him more often.
Sometimes I think of something to tell him anf then suddenly remember that he is no longer here.
So many myriad thoughts that pop in and out with no special meaning.
Just thoughts.

Mowgli, I don’t want him to be just a story for you. Know that he meant a lot to all of us and nobody can ever ever replace him.

When you grow up, you will do many things with your friends. Some that you might tell me and some you might not. There will come many times when you will have to decide whether to say NO or go along with the flow. Drugs, alcohol, smoking are just few of them. Whatever you do, remember that your life is precious to us. Don’t squander it away on a dare or a show-off in front of your friends. They are not worth it!

I read this poem somewhere and it sort of gives me hope. That if he is there somewhere this is what he might say to me;

And if I go,
while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.
"Ascension" by Colleen Corah Hitchcock