Day 12 - Excitement

The new house is slowly coming together and its now starting to feel real. What till now was just a bunch of images on pinterest are now turning solid along with my fears on "its looking good on paper, will it look good in real life!" doubts.

And the dreams.. they have started.. the smell of new beginnings.. the meals to be spent in the open terrace.. the dedicated study areas for the kids etc etc... Before we move, one thing we want to do is to implement the Konmari method and completely declutter our place. Take only those things that give us joy and try to be more minimalistic.

Day 11 - The BH is back

The BH is back today after ten days. The kids are super excited, though I firmly believe its more to do with the suitcase than the man!
I'm also waiting for him to get back home. It was a very long ten days.

Day 10 - Morning Affirmations

I am feeling Healthy and Strong today

 I have all that I need to make this a great day of my life

Every new day starts with happiness, is full of joy and ends with contentment

 I am enough and I have enough. My life is full of abundance

I am open and receptive to all the wealth that Life offers me

  My actions create constant prosperity - money comes to me easily and effortlessly

I choose Happiness, Success and Abundance in my life 

I am making the right choices, taking the right actions,and thinking the right thoughts that will empower me to walk in my greatness and positively impact the lives of everyone I meet

Day 9 - Colouring

I attended a training today on mindfulness (more on that later). We were all given a Mandala colouring book for adults with colour pencils and clay. We were encouraged to use our hands either to shape things or aimlessly colour while listening to the speakers - the logic being these activities actually help us relax and put us in a more positive frame of mind.

When I got back home, the kids were very excited about it. After I explained, that its mine and the colour pencils are also mine, the excitement levels turned to outrage. Mowgli went off to play in a huff. Bambi got into one of her rare tantrums. Non stop crying on why she wanted my pencils. I was in a better mood today, so was able to handle her well. Without shouting, I kept on explaining that she has her own pencils and could use them and on and on. After about 15 minutes of this drama, I left her on the bed and started colouring. In about 5 minutes, Bambi stopped crying and was on my lap and suggesting colours. The earlier drama all forgotten.

I dont know what got into her. Its more strange because she is not the person who throws a lot of tantrums or insists that things be done her way. She is super confident in not wanting that validation from others. She just goes ahead and does what she wants to without really asking for your permission.Anyway, the colouring was fun and very peaceful. Because the patterns are huge and intricate, we both could pick up a corner to start with and keep colouring on the same sheet. Its been a long time since I have done something with her alone.

I keep making plans on spending at least 10 min alone with both the kids, but nothing really works out. Either I'm too frazzled or they are not in a good mood. But today was good. We spent a lot of time quietly colouring the same sheet and it helped make both of us very relaxed.

Highly recommended activity for adults :-)

Day 8 - Enabler

I've figured out what I am :-)

I am an "enabler". I enable people to achieve their goals. I'm quite good at this. If I know what is that you want, the dream you have I can research options for you, motivate you to move forward, have regular check points, do your planning for you.

Now if only that was a paid job!

Day 7 - New Beginnings

We bought a home. Again. In the same complex that we are staying.

After being very stubborn that we will not buy a flat again in Bangalore to looking through villas and finding two that I really really loved to finding them too expensive to scouting land in Wayanad and Talli to build a farmhouse to finally zeroing in to our present house. I have accepted the fact that changing schools is just not happening and in that case this is the perfect location. The community is good, school is close by, the BH's sister stays nearby. So all in all, made sense.

But its been like an anti-climax. I who usually gets very hyper thinking of stuff am actually very subdued. I am still planning stuff, getting excited about how I want the terrace to be, pinning stuff on pinterest.. but I am not dreaming about it. Its all very functional in my mind. And I'm puzzled by it. Its usually not the way I operate. Maybe it has to do with growing up (Ha ha!!) or it is my subconscious "lets not get too excited lest it doesn't turn up the way I want it to"

The pessimist in me is getting stronger!

Day 6 - Conversations with Bambi

"Today my yoga sir was looking very handsome."

"Ehhh??"  I am wondering on the appropriateness of the remark and how I need to react to this.

"He wore a shirt and jeans and he was looking as handsome as Dada"

I am struggling with emotions.. isn't she too young to start talking like that.. and how I should keep an open mind because I want her to continue telling me everything and blah blah blah.

The BH comes in then and she repeats the same to him. His instant response " As handsome as Dada??"

She immediately corrects her statement " no.. not that much.. little less". Father and daughter walk away happily hand in hand!

Day 5 - Fitness

The last year was devoted to health.

I didn't meet my weight loss goals, but did stick to some exercise or the other at least 50% of the time. Resumed Kathak classes, so that takes care of two days a week. Then started yoga, so another two days a week. Walked 3 km to office for 3 months.

On an average, I would say I did something at least once a week.

Even if the scales have fluctuated as always, what has really improved is my stamina. I can feel it coming back to what it used to be. I dont get tired that easily, I can walk for longer periods of time. For New Year, we did a small hike uphill and I was fine. It was doable.

This year, I want to focus more on healthy eating and ensure that my metabolism also picks up.
Plan to add one healthy habit every week and keep adding to this.

In Jan:

• Lemon water/cinnamon water to start the day
• 4-6 soaked almonds
• Exercise daily

Day 4 : Conversations with Mowgli

'When I'm 32 years old, will you buy a bike for me?'

'Hmmmm.. okay. We'll see when you are 32 years old.'

'I want a duke.. orange bike.. like Momo's'

'Hmmmm.. okay'

After some time of thinking..

'Dada, then can I drive your Bullet to college? So that I'll learn to drive and be very thorough by the time you buy the Duke for me'

The BH gives him a priceless look and says.. 'Maybe you can take the bus to college and buy the Duke yourself when you get a job!!'

Day 3 – Habits

I read the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin in 2016.  We were on our way to the Chandrashila trek and this was my reading material. I had taken a notepad and planned to take notes and make changes. As always, in the mountains when there are no distractions, the mind is calm, you are happy and feeling positive it’s very easy to make the resolutions. Back at home, all the resolutions went for a toss. Today for no reason, I remembered this book.

It talks about picking up one personal commandment you want to live out that makes you happy and stick to it the entire month. In the next month add another commandment along with the current one. It holds true for any area in your life where you want to make a long lasting change. So after some amount of soul searching I decided to pick something I’ve always struggled with : Do What You Have To

Do what needs to be done.. do what I want to do.. do what excites me.. without waiting for others to motivate me or for their approval. What I have realized is that I always need a cheer leader behind me.. someone to encourage me, to keep track of me when I fumble.. but this year I want to move on and get that discipline myself. To not resent what others are doing or not doing.. to just get on with what I have to do and get it done.

Day 2 - What do I want to be?

When I was small, I wanted to be a doctor.. That dream was crushed when I didn't score a high rank in the entrance exams. Went on to do engineering with the goal of becoming financially independent. Did my MBA because of the recession when I passed out. Joined the first company and they placed me in an analytics team and just like that, that became my career. Till date, I have not consciously hunted out career options or what else I could try out. And now after close to 14 years in this field, I'm at a stage where the "What Next?" beckons. and frankly speaking I don't know.

If there was no pressure to be financially independent, then I think I would dance. Train in a dance form and focus on that completely. Perform, teach, learn.. I would have loved that.

Another dream has been to do something related to the environment - setting up green spaces in cities, making composting a reality, planning urban spaces that have a huge green element.

Till date, I have not consciously worked towards either of the two. Sporadic dance classes and reading up is what I've done. But this year, I want to do something that brings me closer to these dreams.. That first step that will convert these to reality.

Universe... send me good vibes... send me opportunities..

Day 1 - Year that was

2017 was.. i dont know.. not ordinary, but not earth shattering either. It was a year that plodded on, had setbacks, had wins, had travel, had good times and less of the bad times... it was a year that made me constantly question myself - Am I doing all that I want to do? Am I wasting my time? and the ubiquitous 'What next?'

This was a year that I struggled with discipline - both professionally and personally. Professionally, I was demotivated, the long hours were taking a toll and I have reached a point where I realize that having a supportive team and manager are very important to me. Different people have different motivators, but for me these are more important than the financial aspect. I procrastinated on tasks, did the bare minimum that was needed, yo-yo'ed between high efficiency and rock bottom laziness. Got out of a bad project, faced my first sexual harassment at work episode, went onsite for two months, got a lot of accolades and brick bats - it was a mixed year.

Personally, I've tried to eat healthy at least half of the time, exercise was irregular. Stopped all medications. The good part was that I resumed Kathak and enjoying my two classes a week. Have been able to improve my stamina and general fitness, though no weight loss. The goal I had set for myself at the beginning of the year, to reduce 10 kgs, didn't happen. I ended the year at the same wight I started.

Did a mindfulness training, and started meditation- again on and off... Read quite a lot - but not a lot of good books. Was awed by Marie Kondo and desperately want to implement it.

Travelled quite a bit - Goa, Australia, Andamans, Coorg. New experiences - snorkelling, camping, houseboat and a week long road trip.

This year, I gave thanks for my family -the BH, kids, dogs almost every night. It was my anchor when the going got tough at work, when I was emotionally dejected, when my health just wasn't improving. The thought that whatever goes wrong in my life, I still have this one thing that is perfect for me. And friends. Growing old with the BH and the same set of friends.

And I have learnt to let go... to not jump into decisions... to not judge... to breathe and let life take me where it wants.. maybe thats how I will find myself.