thoughts

its been some time since i last wrote..

Today I feel at peace.. there is some inkling of better times.. things will change.. health will improve.. maybe its just the afterglow of a good yoga class.. maybe it was the visit to the farm yesterday.. the views.. the vegetables.. the realization that if i want this to be my dream its not going to be easy.. maybe its the mindfulness meditation.. the 10 minutes every morning focusing on my breath...maybe this could be a harbinger of things to come... yes.. things will improve.. 

Bambi tales

When I become big and have my own phone, you should save my number as "Jhansi ki Rani"...

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Mowgli is studying for his Computer Exam - "the edit bar consists of 'tool box','colour box' and ummm.."
"Lunch box? Chacha?" Bambi prompts helpfully!

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Rushing to grab a book before running to the bathroom.. Just because everybody else in the famiy does that!"

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Humming "njanum njanumentaalum.." she decides to substitute it with "njanum njanum ente husbandum.." and proceeds to sing that version aloud...

To remember

that it was the BH who held the fort when things got crazy at work..
who picked and dropped kids for their classes..
who managed dinner when I was too busy and worn out to even think about it..
who serviced the car and ran around for all the insurance papers..
who filled the forms and submitted the documents for an upcoming trip...
along with managing his job...
who serves as the role model for Mowgli and Bambi.. That when things get hectic you dont lie down and complain.. instead you roll up your sleeves and get work done..
who stood by me always and for ever!

Thank you is inadequate.... Still, I say to you... Thank you for everything

Travelling with the BH

A good art of travel is the company you keep. A beautiful place can become a forgettable trip if you don’t gel with your companions. 

For me, almost all my travels have been with the BH either alone or in a  group. Increasingly as I go for trips without him, I realize that I prefer to travel with the BH. All said and done the familiarity we share is something nothing else can replace. Knowing that you want the same things. We both are fine with basic places to stay preferring to spend on food and sight-seeing. We both don't mind walking for ages and have done that whenever we travel sans kids. With the BH around, you can rest assured that we’ll explore the local cuisine. The last time we were in Goa, we walked into a home that had a “Lunch Ready’ Board. There were three or four tables and the food was served on their veranda. Simple homemade tasty food and our first kombucha!  There is always the surety of knowing that if one suggests an offbeat idea the other will definitely second it. 

Recently when I was in Goa on an office trip, it just brought this thought home - we are the best travel partners for each other!!!

And my world turns upside down

Just when I thought I've got it, everything changed. Was pulled into a new project which requires me to work from office daily. So I'm now in a 9-6 job and then calls at night. Its been two weeks and I'm still undecided whether I like it or not.

The good thing is that I walk to work daily thereby clocking close to 13k steps daily. Haven't noticed any change with the weight, but at least I'm getting some regular exercise. My evening calls have reduced considerably, so at least I'm able to read a bedtime story to the kids and have a relaxed dinner.

The flip side is that I get to spend very little time with the kids and the BH. Both of us had gotten used to the working from home/flexi working hours and it was very comfortable. I had more time to manage multiple things at home along with office work - coffee time with the BH, picking kids from school some days, having lunch with Bambi, listening to Mowgli talk about his day, helping with the homework. Now, most of this is on the BH which is not fair. Yes, I know in a couple of months Bambi will get into Ist grade and then it would be a full day school for her as well.

Anyway , it is what it is. What we have developed as a routine now is breakfast together at 8am. Bought a bell which the kids ring after setting the table and again dinner together at 7pm. Lets see how this goes...

Life and the ways it twists and turns is indeed strange....

Calvin & Hobbes.. the love that passes on

and sometimes early mornings are the best time to read!!!

dose of sarcasm for the day done 😵

Love

the heady rush of the anticipation of seeing that someone
walking down corridors eagerly hoping to get a glimpse
spending time saying nothing , content with the proximity

to
crossing the road hand in hand
a lazy leg thrown over a sleeping form
warm feet to snuggle into

to
bike rides without the kids
learning new things
long trips with the kids

to
hospital visits together
illness and hangovers
obesity and medicine strips

for better, for worse
for richer, for poorer
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish
till death do us part....

Interesting finds

Storyline as an alternative to mindless cartoons. Mowgli used to love it from the time he was 4 or 5.. Bambi has started enjoying it these days. For those super busy days when I need a break. The TV still stays off during the weekdays. Friday evening is when they switch it on for their R&R.

Healthfood for healthy recipes using alternate grains. Lots of options to simplify cooking and eat healthy

Vaashi House of Jeans for the most comfortable jeans ever

Bambi & Siri

Bambi's conversations with Siri..

Bambi: Where are you? I cant see you?
Siri: I am wherever you are

Bambi: When are you born?
Siri: That doesn't matter. This is about you!

Bambi: Why should I do that?
Siri: Thats an interesting question

now if only I could be that diplomatic!

Independence in small measures

Yesterday, Mowgli insisted on cycling to his badminton class. Its about 1 km from our home. Bambi also tagged along. Both of us walked while he cycled. While returning, Bambi was cranky. So I got the car and his helmet. Told him to cycle in front while we drove behind. 

Bambi got hyper at this. "we cant do this mama. Somebody will kidnap chacha." Mowgli, as expected, was thrilled at this sudden independence. He has been wanting to do it for quite some time. Yesterday being a holiday, traffic was very light. Easier to allow this. 

He was quite careful, riding slowly, sticking to the left of the road, stopping at an intersection and crossing it only when safe. Bambi rolled down the windows and steadily issued a set of instructions. "Chacha.. drive faster.. driver slower.. stop, car is coming."  It was quite a sight. Small boy riding carefully with a bolero following behind at 10 kmph!

He struggled a little on the driveway down the basement as that was the first time he had ever cycled down a steep slope. Got home all happy and thrilled. He didn't say much, but was super happy! And I think he also realised that it was not an easy task to cycle on the road and that's why we don't allow him to go alone.

The icing on the cake- Bambi's comments. " Mama, chacha is very happy. I'm also very happy because you allowed him to do this... and made him happy!" Rests back with a smug look on her face!

This girl!, I tell you.. sometimes I feel she is my mother instead of the other way around!!!

Scolding!

Morning rush time again.. Mowgli and I were hurrying down the lift- it was not really late, but close. Mowgli was whining that he wanted to be dropped by car and I was grumbling that its just a 2 min walk and we are not that late. In the rush, he accidentally pressed the wrong button. I started shouting at him and the lift door opened at the same time. At the wrong floor. Where our neighbour was standing. He looked at both of us, awkwardly smiling at him, smiled at us and looked at me "Dont scold him, its alright". The lift doors closed at the right time just so he didn't see my eyes tear up.

I dropped Mowgli (no, he wasn't late! there was plenty of time!) and all the way back I kept thinking about what my neighbour said. Did he mean the shouting in the lift or was he talking about something else? Could they hear me shouting at the kids almost all the time these days? I wonder what they think about us? And the biggest one - AM I a bad mother?

I realise that I take out most of my frustration on the kids and the dogs. Mowgli in particular because he is the messy one, louder one and the elder one. I keep forgetting that they are only nine and five years.. Not old enough to behave like adults.... But they are the most convenient outlets and that makes me feeling worse. How bad can I get to take out my anger on two small kids???

My frustration at not being to understand why the BH retreats into a  shell most of these days... as far as I know there is nothing wrong and it just seems like a i-dont-care-whats-with-my family thought that drives the BH to his shell. Where he will sit for days, answering in monosyllables, sitting quiet throughout the day. I don't know what triggers this and its driving me crazy. Is it me? Is it something I said? Is it something I did? And then I keep thinking why should it always be about me? I'm sick and tired of accepting the blame for everything that goes wrong around here. In spite of all that I do, there always seems to be a huge gap.

God bless all of us. What else to do?

Daughters are special!

Not from one of those umpteen ads... but really...

Bambi is literally our "happy". Forever smiling, laughing, non stop chattering, blowing kisses to everyone and everything... its rare to find her subdued.. upset over something.. angry about something...

She knows what she wants and she also knows how to wait for it patiently... Not for her, the impatience that I have or the sulkiness of the BH or the hyper activeness of her brother... She will gently remind us of what she wants till she gets it done...

Even though Mowgli is also quite physically demonstrative, Bambi is more spontaneous. When I draw the cross on her forehead and kiss her good night, she insists on doing it to me as well.. for five times at least.

Hoping that her spontaneity and loving nature is never lost.

Routine

Its been so much easier once we sat down and scheduled what we needed to get done on a daily basis.. 24 hours seem enough and more... Mowgli is much more relaxed in the mornings now that he realizes he has time for everything. The "I dont want to take a bath", "why cant i read this book now?" still remain, but its better coz my answer to everything is look at your schedule! and since we put it together, he cant complain.

It has helped me also in planning my work better.. What I've realised is that I'm more productive when I start my day early. It somehow gives me an edge over my to-do list. I'm able to complete activities that I need to think, clear my inbox and generally maintain the productivity throughout.

Today I also started with my affirmations picking up Abundance as a theme. I feel I constantly struggle with a feeling of not having enough which is quite removed from reality. Not sure where this is coming from, but its present. Not having enough savings, not having enough time, not having enough happiness, not having enough anything and everything. Maybe I'm attracting these thoughts to myself by constantly berating myself, not measuring up, always feeling short.. So this year, its a conscious effort to think positive.. measure my thoughts.. understand whats important to me and do the things I love....

The calm after the storm

Life goes on... Thats what my plants teach me. I forget to water them , they shrivel up their leaves.. some die.. and when i get back to watering them mostly all of them reward me with new leaves. An orange sapling that a friend got from Nagpur a year back. It remained at the same height for a whole year, no new leaves, nothing.. and when we went off for our Xmas vacation, it dried up completely. I'd almost given up on that plant. While watering the other plants, i continued to water it expecting nothing. And in the last week, its been magic. New leaves, new flowers even and tiny minuscule orange buds. The flowers are so fragrant, i never knew orange blossoms looked like this. I dont know whether these will actually grow into oranges, but for now this is enough.... more than enough...


It has taught me a powerful lesson.. in life even when nothing is going your way, nothing seems promising, continue to give your best. Magic will happen!

Irritation

This is one of my biggest evils. Sometimes there is a reason and sometimes not. It comes up when I least expect it.

Take today morning for example. I woke up as planned, started with my pending office work. Mowgli woke up at 6 and started his revision for maths exam. I could feel myself getting worked up the moment he started slopping in his work. The final straw was an hour later when he started complaining about something. It ended with the usual shouts and anger, the bitterness in both our hearts and a day that started on such a bad note.

He did come up to me later and said sorry and hugged me. But I know it's not just him. It's a lot to do with how I react to situations. I feel that I'm almost always on s short fuse ready to blow up at the slightest provocation. 

Patience and a calm mind and heart are what I want the most from this year. 

Calmness that allows me to quieten the nagging voices in my head...

Calmness that allows me to love myself and not constantly fall short in my mind!

Miracle Mornings

I read the book Miracle Morning and it resonated deeply. the very act of disciplining yourself to wake up at a specific time, starting your day in a peaceful manner, positive affirmations throughout. Most of it made sense and it felt like training your mind to achieve the smaller things so that one day the larger goals also seem attainable.

The BH and I used to be early birds, waking up early to catch up on work, exercise and starting our day more productively. In the last one year, we've slipped behind big time. Changes in work, general disillusionment with work, life and a feeling of nothing being in control meant that we were mostly in a reactive mode. And that has affected quite a lot of things. Health, motivation levels, everything being done half heartedly and half finished.

Anyway, fresh with resolutions and intent we started yesterday with putting together a schedule for Mowgli. He was quite excited about it. Factored in time for his mridangam practice, play time, reading time, study time etc. Printed it out and pinned it to their cupboard door. And yeah, it works! Mowgli somehow likes the notion of everything being measured- so a study time of 45 min seems doable to him than if we were to ask him to study till he finishes a subject. Though he would still take the same time, he likes that the timetable has an end time and that is helping him focus better. Bambi is also copying him (as always!!) , so we've told her that we'll make another one for her.

Woke up as planned today. Did not follow the routine as per the book, but got a lot of pending things done and out of the way.

its worth it mama!

Mowgli and the BH went for their first haircut in a posh saloon. The normal is at the local barber where he knows just two styles- mushroom and a close crop! 

It was heaven for Mowgli!. right from showing the picture of Ronaldo to getting it cut and styled, he was in seventh heaven. Its damn cute to see him adjusting his hair now and then and peeking glances at the mirror. Two of our neighbours noticed and complimented on his hairstyle making him oh-so-thrilled!!! The small pleasures of life!

So I asked him, "why dont we go show this to our barber and tell him how we want it like this the next time?". The reply was immediate "No, mama. We have to go to the new place. Only that uncle knows everything."

" But, Mowgli Isn't it expensive?"

"Thats okay mama. Its worth it!!!"