I have always wanted to be at home till my kids grew up and went to school. But at the same time I also wanted to be financially independent.
After mowgli has come, the feeling that I ought to be at home with him is increasing day by day. i want to be there when he smiles, when he cries, when he sits up, when he takes his first steps.. I dont want to hear them secondhand from another person- be it a maid or a grand parent! I want to talk to him the whole day, read books to him, play with him and rest assured that yes, i am helping him in being a better person ( at this point, I digress to add, i am not saying that children of working mothers are less in any way). i want to be confident that we have done something fruitful the entire day and not just been watching tv ( with the maid, who knows!) or being towed around the whole day by adoring grand parents.
and wats killing me right now is that we are in no position financially to take this step! we have a housing loan whose emi's are eating into most of our salary. we dont splurge unnecessarily, no fancy holidays, extravagant purchases. we are just an ordinary middle class family trying to save something for the future.
and to top it all, i dont see myself sitting simply at home. i need to have some money i can call my own. not much, just enough for me to buy a book or two monthly, to send a gift to someody if i feel like. just enough for me to feel secure. maybe 5/10k monthly...
ever since we have started leaving mowgli with a maid, i am having these huge complexes.. whether will he get more attached to the maid.. will she look after him properly. will she plonk him in front of the tv while i am gone.. will she know wat to do if he starts crying.. and more important, will mowgli understand that shes only a maid and i'm his momma.. will he come to me when he is sick or will he go to the maid and wat not.. and to top it all, the maid has started advising me on how to look after him and even complains that i'm very careless with him.. what the hell! my baby and i'll look after him the way I please!
all in all, as you must have gathered by now, i'm in a murderous mood right now! somebody kill me!
what do I do God??? show me some way ahead. If I could do some free lancing at least... i want to cry.. i just want to leave everything and just be with my baby. the rest of the world can go drown themselves!!!
P.S. As i read this two days later, i realize that i've been quite hysterical about this. I have got a job that allows me to work part-time from home, a reasonably good servant who looks after mowgli well when i'm not there. Grandparents will be grandparents. They will adore and pamper and generally spoil their grandchildren especially more if he happens to be the first.
I am not deleting this post, but keeping it as a reminder of how hysterical and insecure and paranoid i can get at time when it comes to Mowgli!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment