Kedarkantha Trek - Day 1&2

Day 1: started from Sankri. It was a 5 hour uphill climb. Within the first 30 minutes, my legs started aching and all the old memories came back. After a point, all of us were walking silently. Each with their own demons. It was a very tiring climb. Came close to giving up at many points, but I realized that it was more mental than physical. I can feel that I'm more fit than the last time, but still nowhere close to doing this effortlessly.The voices in my head mocking my fitness, linking this to all other instances in my life where I have failed... Pulling out incidents long forgotten... Made me realize that of all the demons we face, its us that we should fear the most!

Reached the Juda ka Talab campsite in a legs trembling, quivering mess. Sank down next to a tree and just breathed for some time. A good lunch and a nap later, the trials of the morning seemed far away. Enjoyed the scenery.. being digitally cut off from the whole world... The BH was calm. His knees were not giving him any problem as he feared. Mowgli was running around as usual, high on energy. Surrounded by tall trees, mountain dogs for company, my loved ones near me (missed Bambi though).. I wish I could just bottle up that feeling and keep it with me always. It was if my heart slowed down. All the worries seemed insignificant... Just being in the moment

Day 2: started from Juda ka Talab campsite. Warm up and stretches done, we started our next climb. It was a very short trek compared to the previous day. And the highlight was the snow. All of us had fun sliding down and playing with it. I have now realized that the first 30 minutes are the hardest as thats when my body protests the most. After that its more of not thinking too much and just putting one foot in front of the other.

We reached TaalKhetra by 11 am. A beautiful campsite surrounded by snow capped mountains. We walked, played, talked, relaxed.. All the while sneaking glances at the majestic Kedarkantha peak. Nobody voiced the thought that was foremost in all of our minds.. We are going to climb that? In the evening, we had the technical demonstration for the crampons and the getters, things to remember while walking in the snow, the 4 am start the next day. My mind froze at this point. I had to tell myself to breathe. All my fears came back. The BH was as always calm.. continuously motivating me.. telling me not to overthink this. Mowgli was excited at the prospect of climbing in snow.

After a point of time, in my mind there was no more fear. I was calm. I knew its going to be difficult.. That I'll struggle. I'll lose my breath and the demons in my mind will come rushing out ready to pull me back.. to somewhere safe.. within my comfort zone.. but what of my dreams? what of me? the old impulsive me who was ready to go anywhere.. face any demon... I kept telling myself that I cant give up now. I'm a dancer.. I can walk 5 km in 43 minutes.. New labels that I needed.. that give me strength.. I can do it.. Yes, I could have done this 10 years back when I was thinner, healthier,.. but its okay. I'm doing this NOW.. at the cusp of 40.. overweight.. But, its fine.. I am lucky to get this opportunity and I'll climb.. One step at a time.. with the BH holding my hand.. I'll climb

Will I do it?

Somewhere at the end of last year, I put up four pictures on a pin-up board. A weight loss goal, riding the Bullet, the Kedarkantha Summit and a photo from my last Kathak performance. These were the main things I wanted to focus on in 2019.

Its April now and I've ticked two off that list. Got my two wheeler license and gave a kathak performance this year. The weight loss goal remains!

By next week, I'll know whether I tick off the Kedarkantha summit goal.

When we attempted the Chandrashila trek in 2016, I didn't reach the summit. I lost all my motivation at Tungnath and mentally broke down. To be fair to myself, I was at a difficult phase health wise. Was taking medicines for the hormonal imbalance and had just completed a course one day before the trek. Had absolutely zero stamina. I had not followed any of their fitness advice. In fact, I had not even read through the itinerary. The BH took care of everything. It was as if I was in a daze. I was looking forward and not looking forward to it. Saw my notes from the day before the trek where I was telling myself that I should have done this 10 years back when I was healthier.

The first day was fine, though a little tiring. The second and third days were very tiring. I was the last person and it was a huge effort. The final climb to the summit was something else altogether. I broke down after 4 hours of continuous uphill. Started crying, it was as if all my lowest feelings came up. Each and every one of them. The wrong decision we made in haste, the realization that what we wanted will never come again, that the chance we let go so casually would haunt us through out our life... And in the midst of all this, was the thought that whatever happens, the BH is with me and will be always with me. He was at my side throughout, talking to me, holding my hand, just being there. We had had such huge fights over so many things... but at that moment it was as if everything else was pushed aside in my mind and just one thought that remained. He will be with you throughout... even after your parents die.. even after your children move out.. this man will be with you...

I didn't make it to the summit. Gave up about a 100-200 m from the summit. Physically, I just couldn't move. Couldn't lift my legs. It was as if I had to tell my brain how to walk. More than the physical exhaustion, it was the mental exhaustion. I couldn't motivate myself anymore. The BH tried his best... but i gave up..

I don't have any regrets though. It was a beautiful trek, seeing the Himalayas up so close, the stars, the walking, the birds.. it was very beautiful. Yes, I didn't complete it, but its okay. I did what I could at that point of time. That was the day I forgave myself... forgave us.. stopped blaming for the wrong decisions.. realized that every decision we make is the best we can do at that point of time using whatever information is available. We can't always plan ahead or see every possible outcome. And if some decisions turn out wrong, then so be it. Thats life!

Next week, we are off on another trek. To Kedarkantha this time. This time, I want to do it.. Push myself to reach the summit.. Am very excited and looking forward to it. Health wise, am better. The weight is still what it was. My stamina has improved, I have been walking (though not as regularly). I want to do it. Stand on the summit and send a prayer of thanks.. For all that I've got and all that I've let go...

Pray for me, universe...

practice what you preach??

"I'd rather take life slow and njoi it fully.. not look back and don't even remember where my 30s and 40s went"

What I told a junior colleague today in response to how stressed out she was feeling. And then I stopped and thought.. Am I doing this? 

Time flies!

After that intense discontented year, the new year seems to be more positive.

The biggest change, I feel, was in the realization that it was within me to look at the positives in every situation rather than be bogged down and moody. There are people out there with worse and it seemed ungrateful on my part to crib about everything. I might not be able to change others, but what I can and should strive to control is the way I behave towards others and in situations.

Small changes that I made to my routine starting this year that have made me feel more positive

The most important one has been to shut down my laptop at the end of the day. make a list of the To-do things in my diary and close it. Throughout last year, my laptop has always been in sleep mode with multiple tabs open, emails to be read, some with replies typed and not sent, dozens of power points. It was a little wearying to start my day like this. Now, when I log in its a clean slate. Its a minor change, but it gives me the feeling that I'm done for the day and starting afresh every morning.

Another change has been to open one website at a time. Rather than open up multiple pages that I wanted to read, this year has been about reading one page at a time and then going on to the next article or page.

Bringing mindfulness to my calls. My work environment is majorly virtual. While this works out great for me in terms of managing the home front and being more accessible to the kids, it needs more concentration and focus. Earlier, I used to multitask during calls - either reading emails, responding, browsing and so on. This year, I've made it a habit to close my browser and chat window, hold a pen in my hand and focus on the call.

A personal habit that I've restarted is to read the Bible again. More than it being religious, it is a spiritual thing. Waking up early, reading the Daily Bread and the Bible along with a cup of tea - somehow they help me to start the day in a more slower pace. Its another matter that by 7.45am, the calm has vanished and I'm back to shouting at the kids.

Minor changes.. but they help me feel more in control and calmer.

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday...

Been 20 years since we met
That senior who tried to look rough, but had the heart of a softie
Who became a friend pretty fast
To a trusted friend.. to a life partner..

Who taught me to drive and more importantly to drive as if I owned the road
Who allowed me to go where I want and do what I want
Who has been the wind under my wings....

The trips.. the long drives...the laughs.. the tears.. the fights... the comfort... the warm feet...the confidence...the love.. the life

Smile always...
God bless
Go conquer the world!!! I have your back!

Happy birthday and lots and lots of love and kisses

Where is the gratitude?

After the intense discontent filled year, 2019 was an eye opener. It seemed as if the universe wanted to remind me how privileged I am.

My cousin's son has been struggling with drug addiction for quite some time. We have all been supporting her, trying to help out in our own ways but in the end the battle is hers alone to face. Being a single parent, the journey is even more difficult. Just when we all thought that things were under control, he has started getting quite violent and abusive to his sister and others.

Another relative is going through an episode of brain tumour. Multiple rounds of chemo and now the doctors have said that there is nothing more that can be done. He is slightly older than us and has a school going son. I cant imagine the uncertainty that they have in their lives.

And many other cases... Most of the conversations I had at the beginning of the year were all about these.

What I realized is that in the end, all the things that I was complaining about didn't really matter! They were all minor irritations as compared to what so many others are going on. There are so many things in my life that I should be thankful for - good health, supportive husband, loving kids, stable job - many things that I took for granted and which others are praying for.

2018.. the good

For a friend's son's holy communion as return gifts we were all given small bottles with a wish inside it.
Mine read:
Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not;
remember that what you now have was once among the things you had hoped for.

Which is indeed true. I have stuck it on my fridge as a daily reminder to be thankful for the blessings.

My good memories of 2018

This house has been a dream come true. The close knit community, a great place for the kids to grow up, lots of friends for them and us, natural light that streams in to all of the rooms and the best - our terrace. Plants and an old fashioned verandah for us to laze around, do jigsaws, host parties, have our morning and evening chai, read a book... It has really been a dream come true.

Kerehaklu trip. It so happened that we didn't travel anywhere this year. No short trips, no long trips, no bike trips, no long drives. By November, I was saturated. We initially planned a weekend at Kerehaklu and then the BH proposed bunking school on Friday. Turned out to be one of the most relaxing vacations we have ever taken. The weather was good, food was perfect. We walked so much both of the days, read books, played board games. The kids were well behaved and we all relaxed. Made us realize how important these short trips are. And sometimes we need to be alone- just the four of us to recharge our batteries together and make some memories that are ours alone.

Time spent with S and M. I got to travel to US and stay at M's place and spend time with her kids. And then she came to India and we again had a week together. Friday dinners at S's place has also been quite a regular feature. And as a bonus, S came over and spent two days with us. We talked and walked and ate. By the end of two days, the BH was quite jealous and commented that he had never seen me so relaxed. Out of those two days was born the step count update. S started it off with walking 10K+ steps daily and sending us the screenshot. M and I both grumbled and started it half halfheartedly, but now we both religiously complete more than 11K steps daily. Am very lucky to have these two in my life.

Hosted a lot of parties this year - all filled with fun. P came over as a surprise for the BH's birthday. B and the kids spent a couple of days with us. The usual Bangalore gang met up almost every weekend or so. Had our community friends get together. Lots of food and drink.

The BH had a good year at work. Contract renewed, new geographies added, time extended. From starting out completely on his own three years back to getting to this stage, its commendable. And I'm proud that he did all this on his own. Its all been his hard work and persistence along with a very clear focus on what he wants.

One of the good things that came out of Mowgli's panic attacks is our night walks. After dinner is done, all four of us go down for a walk. The kids sometimes cycle, sometimes skate, sometimes go play with their friends if they are also down and sometimes they walk with us.It can be as long as an hour or as short as 10 minutes depending on my calls for the night. However it goes, this is something we all look forward to. To unwind from the day. Its become a daily ritual that the kids look forward to. Did it help Mowgli? I think it did and more than him, it helped us also.

My sister and brother-in law came down from Australia and we spent a lot of time together. My sister and I have a huge age gap and we were never the close sisters that you read about. She was more of the irritating younger sister who was forever tagging along. She has grown up, surprisingly! It was good to have her with us and just be. No agenda, no rush. Lot of good food. The kids were pampered thoroughly. These two have always made us realize the importance of playing board games with the kids. Even Bambi joined in for a change.

The gardening concept store. We have been thinking about it for ages and finally did a small sale at our apartment. A lot of things still need to be worked out before we can get it into full swing, but good to make a start.

Family time with the BH's parents, my grandparents, cousins. This year was good. Went for two year end vacations with the extended family and everybody enjoyed it. Plans are being made to make this into a regular annual feature. Everybody is getting older and it seems that time together is running out.

Started a vision board for both of us. Got my 2 wheeler learners license. Read a lot of books thanks to long flights. Maid worries almost over and things are settled on that front. Pruned my whatsapp groups. Let go of friends that have played their course. Supported and mentored people both personally and professionally. Watched a 4D movie for the first time. Rejoined Kathak and enjoying it. Gave more of me to my friends. Fought and made up with the BH at least once every day. Got the BH hooked to a cup of coffee in the morning to be had after the kids have left for school.

2018.. the bad

2019 is here..

Like every other year, I wish that this year will be calmer, healthier, happier and all the jing bang

When I think back to 2018, the underlying thread through all the events, conversations, milestones seem to have been "discontent". I was quite surprised when this thought popped up in my mind. I don't think that I'm a dissatisfied person by nature.. usually happy and content with whatever life gives me. But in the last one year, I've felt that nothing was enough. There was a lot of complaining - both internally in my thoughts and externally.

At work;  with the usual politics. I was known as the problem solver, the person everyone turned to to sort out difficult client situations, messed up projects.. But, that didn't translate to the rewards I expected. Explanations were given, like all explanations it didn't really matter.. Lots of changes at work, abusive clients, people I knew personally were treated badly with the firm turning a blind eye to those incidents. I was disillusioned with the leadership and disengaged.

At home; there was the usual tussle on time. And the competition for attention - the kids, BH,dogs.. It would usually end with me shouting at everybody and then feeling guilty and miserable for hours. Contradictory actions. Mowgli had his issues this year and we were to blame partly. Whatever said and done, we failed to provide him that safety net. Bambi was also neglected amidst all the hungama. I would make million resolutions to be calm, mindful, relax  but nothing was practiced. Wasn't able to carve out family time on a regular basis. There was no routine to our days. It just seemed to be running from one chaos to another.

Pushing the BH to detail out what he wants to do was easier said than done. A lot of discontent there also. My frustration that things didn't seem to be moving and his that he was still thinking through. Resentment from both sides that the other just didn't understand.

Health; the year in which I spent the most on dietitians and what not! The last straw was the dietitian telling me that it was poor gut health and low metabolism. I thought the diets were supposed to fix that! The weight has been increasing in spite of everything.

General dissatisfaction with family. The feeling of being taken for granted and never given our due increased to a crescendo this year with a lot of small incidents. Where before, I would sweep these under the carpet, this year I hoarded them and made them bigger and bigger in my mind. Led to a shift in relationships, indifference towards relationships that were quite precious to me and so on.

By the end of the year, I just wanted it to get over and be done with. Haven't felt this disinterested with life in ages. And so distracted. Trying to do at least three things at a time. Answering emails and what not during office calls. Haven't cooked anything special this year. No weekly menu planning, no routines set. There was no joy in doing. It was as if I needed to tick these things off my list and then start my Life. What I forgot this year was that this is Life!!!

to my happy

Last summer vacation, you told me ‘ mama come back for 2 seconds’ and it broke my heart. What with the shifting and the work that was happening in the new house we never got to spend time together in a relaxed manner. And then you went to your grand parents for the annual trip. Except that this was extended by another week this time because I had to travel for work. Its another story that you forgot about this in a matter of hours and thoroughly enjoyed your time without us.. For us, we missed you so so so much... Your hugs and smiles and kisses. You have always been our happy.

I really wonder whether I’m doing this right. Couple of weeks back the BH told me that I’m trying to make you into what I want you to be and not what you want to be. This came as a shock. I thought I was allowing you to do whatever you want. But yeah maybe not the jewelry and the make up stuff. In my defense, I don’t agree with girls looking like teens looking like aspiring models. But yes, like the time in Goa when you were busy wearing all of S’s jewelry. And then I gave you my elephant earring. And when you brought S in and showed her all my jewelry and said that 'It’s all yours but you occasionally share it with me', I felt very sad. That maybe I was depriving you of something. And that maybe these are just small pleasures that you will grow out of. 

I want you to be a strong confident independent woman who is not afraid to speak her mind and is kind and honest and shines from within.

That’s all I want...

Be with me

Be with me

You make me calm and contented

Happy with the world around me

Excited to go do what I want to do

Be with me

The world is gloomy without you

I go through the motions and survive

There is no laughter...no sparkle

Be with me

Hold my hand always

Hug me hard

Smile at me

Talk to me

Argue with me

Be with me

You are

  My strength

  My sounding board

  My eternal optimist to all my pessimistic thoughts

You complete me though you don’t realize it... you bring out the best in me (and sometimes the worst!)

Be with me 

Stay with me

Laugh with me

Love me

Live with me

Be with me in this warm cocoon that we have created and call ours.. ours and ours alone