2019 is here..
Like every other year, I wish that this year will be calmer, healthier, happier and all the jing bang
When I think back to 2018, the underlying thread through all the events, conversations, milestones seem to have been "discontent". I was quite surprised when this thought popped up in my mind. I don't think that I'm a dissatisfied person by nature.. usually happy and content with whatever life gives me. But in the last one year, I've felt that nothing was enough. There was a lot of complaining - both internally in my thoughts and externally.
At work; with the usual politics. I was known as the problem solver, the person everyone turned to to sort out difficult client situations, messed up projects.. But, that didn't translate to the rewards I expected. Explanations were given, like all explanations it didn't really matter.. Lots of changes at work, abusive clients, people I knew personally were treated badly with the firm turning a blind eye to those incidents. I was disillusioned with the leadership and disengaged.
At home; there was the usual tussle on time. And the competition for attention - the kids, BH,dogs.. It would usually end with me shouting at everybody and then feeling guilty and miserable for hours. Contradictory actions. Mowgli had his issues this year and we were to blame partly. Whatever said and done, we failed to provide him that safety net. Bambi was also neglected amidst all the hungama. I would make million resolutions to be calm, mindful, relax but nothing was practiced. Wasn't able to carve out family time on a regular basis. There was no routine to our days. It just seemed to be running from one chaos to another.
Pushing the BH to detail out what he wants to do was easier said than done. A lot of discontent there also. My frustration that things didn't seem to be moving and his that he was still thinking through. Resentment from both sides that the other just didn't understand.
Health; the year in which I spent the most on dietitians and what not! The last straw was the dietitian telling me that it was poor gut health and low metabolism. I thought the diets were supposed to fix that! The weight has been increasing in spite of everything.
General dissatisfaction with family. The feeling of being taken for granted and never given our due increased to a crescendo this year with a lot of small incidents. Where before, I would sweep these under the carpet, this year I hoarded them and made them bigger and bigger in my mind. Led to a shift in relationships, indifference towards relationships that were quite precious to me and so on.
By the end of the year, I just wanted it to get over and be done with. Haven't felt this disinterested with life in ages. And so distracted. Trying to do at least three things at a time. Answering emails and what not during office calls. Haven't cooked anything special this year. No weekly menu planning, no routines set. There was no joy in doing. It was as if I needed to tick these things off my list and then start my Life. What I forgot this year was that this is Life!!!
Like every other year, I wish that this year will be calmer, healthier, happier and all the jing bang
When I think back to 2018, the underlying thread through all the events, conversations, milestones seem to have been "discontent". I was quite surprised when this thought popped up in my mind. I don't think that I'm a dissatisfied person by nature.. usually happy and content with whatever life gives me. But in the last one year, I've felt that nothing was enough. There was a lot of complaining - both internally in my thoughts and externally.
At work; with the usual politics. I was known as the problem solver, the person everyone turned to to sort out difficult client situations, messed up projects.. But, that didn't translate to the rewards I expected. Explanations were given, like all explanations it didn't really matter.. Lots of changes at work, abusive clients, people I knew personally were treated badly with the firm turning a blind eye to those incidents. I was disillusioned with the leadership and disengaged.
At home; there was the usual tussle on time. And the competition for attention - the kids, BH,dogs.. It would usually end with me shouting at everybody and then feeling guilty and miserable for hours. Contradictory actions. Mowgli had his issues this year and we were to blame partly. Whatever said and done, we failed to provide him that safety net. Bambi was also neglected amidst all the hungama. I would make million resolutions to be calm, mindful, relax but nothing was practiced. Wasn't able to carve out family time on a regular basis. There was no routine to our days. It just seemed to be running from one chaos to another.
Pushing the BH to detail out what he wants to do was easier said than done. A lot of discontent there also. My frustration that things didn't seem to be moving and his that he was still thinking through. Resentment from both sides that the other just didn't understand.
Health; the year in which I spent the most on dietitians and what not! The last straw was the dietitian telling me that it was poor gut health and low metabolism. I thought the diets were supposed to fix that! The weight has been increasing in spite of everything.
General dissatisfaction with family. The feeling of being taken for granted and never given our due increased to a crescendo this year with a lot of small incidents. Where before, I would sweep these under the carpet, this year I hoarded them and made them bigger and bigger in my mind. Led to a shift in relationships, indifference towards relationships that were quite precious to me and so on.
By the end of the year, I just wanted it to get over and be done with. Haven't felt this disinterested with life in ages. And so distracted. Trying to do at least three things at a time. Answering emails and what not during office calls. Haven't cooked anything special this year. No weekly menu planning, no routines set. There was no joy in doing. It was as if I needed to tick these things off my list and then start my Life. What I forgot this year was that this is Life!!!
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