Feb Day 6

The highs and lows.. today its the low!

Feeling disappointed that my health is not improving and the criticism from everybody. You are not doing enough.. not doing anything regularly..
Its easy for people to say.. but what they do not realise is I'm no superman to continue doing things without seeing any benefits. Its extremely frustrating to not see any benefits, to fight the cravings, tiredness along with trying to stay positive.

Sometimes, the disappointment is that I try so hard to encourage everybody around me, go out of my way to help friends and family achieve what they want to.. but when it comes to supporting me, there is nobody around. I know this is a very unfair statement to make, but today this is how I feel.

I am tired of the constant criticism, the small niggling ones that never focus on what I have achieved, but more on what I let slip...
I am tired of the constant battles of having to prove myself again and again...
I am tired and jealous of others whose parents are so proud of whatever they do, even when it is something so small..
I am tired of making excuses for my parents..
I am tired of trying to empathise and understand another's point of view...
I am tired of supporting others...
I am tired of trying to do everything and ending up doing nothing...
I am tired of feeling tired all the time..

Feb Day 5

snippets from when Bambi was small..

"mama.. mooon.. see... ayyo moon potti poyi!!!!"
(it was a half moon)
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dada... bambi kutty alla.. kutta vilicha mathi... ( because the BH calls Mowgli kutta)

mama.. bambi chaaatambo aanu...
what is that?
chaatamboo... (she meant chattambi!)

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and yesterday..

She didnt wish her old drawing teacher and when I asked her why, this was the reply
"Bambi oru secret parayaam.. you can tell nobody.. but you can tell dada and chacha..
Bambi shy aanu"
:-)

Feb Day 4

The word for February is YES.

YES to new experiences..
YES to new opportunities..
YES to people trusting them that they know best what works for themselves..
YES to life.

Feb Day 3

The mantra for January was " Do what you have to".

Did this change my life? Not really, coz I think I’m the person who does go out and do things without really thinking a lot about what others will say.

But this did help me in doing some things which I would have otherwise not followed up. Like the get together we organised at our flat. The BH got quite irritated in the beginning, muttering that it’s only us who are interested and why do we have to do this and such. I knew that people were interested, it’s was just a matter of somebody doing the organising and putting it together. The venue was planned in a day, tasks given to people, counts taken. And just like school days, there was this initial set of people who raised their hands and slowly slowly everybody else raised their hands... the BH rallied around to get the food organised and to take care of the budget. And we pulled it off in just two days. 

It was a huge success with many people thanking us personally and publicly. Everybody had fun. Movies were organised for the kids, so that adults could have some peace and quiet. There was good food and drinks. Somebody brought a speaker and  a microphone, started off an impromptu antakshari session. And it was really good to spend time with all the families. 

It wasn't really that difficult.. the doing part, I mean. Its more difficult getting people to confirm whether they would attend or not, distributing tasks amongst the volunteers and then dealing with random feedback at the end of everything. The older me would have got worked up with the BH’s irritation, blamed the other families for not offering to help out etc etc. but here, I was calm. I knew I would do this, at least once.If it didn’t work out, it didn’t. But I needed to try it out. And it worked out beautifully.

Feb Day 2

Dear Bambi,

Sometimes I forget you are still a small girl who just wants to be hugged and pampered for no reason. Isn’t that there in all of us? I myself feel that way almost everyday. For somebody to look after me and pamper me as if I were a baby.

And because you are not the person who will make a fuss and are way mature than your years I sometimes forget. But I want you to know that sometimes you have to ask and that’s all it takes. 

Like today, after an early morning kathak class. When we were waiting for Chachan to come and had two hours to spare. We both went to a nearby cafe. Had sandwich, played atlas. You were happy and contented. I could see it in your face. And then we came back to our class where you scrambled on to my lap and said I want to rest now. Not sleep only rest. So I rocked you to rest... Not sleep, mind you.. only rest. Just like how you told me to.

And I again remembered that maybe thats all it takes. To be a parent is to listen to your children. They know what they want. They don’t have our baggage. Their needs are simple and there are days when all a big girl needs is a lap and two arms to hug her. Not to sleep. Only to rest...

Love, 

Mama

Feb Day 1

What will it take to tell yes to everything?

To trust the other person

To let go that they are capable of taking that informed decision And that it’s not within me to decide what another should or shouldn’t do?

I think this comes from my mother. Her first response to everything was no. More from a fear of what others will think, society, afraid that she would be judged for saying yes to her daughters. The no would turn to yes, but it always took time and was a reluctant yes. What that has ingrained in me is a constant second guessing of my decisions. Am I doing the right thing taking the right path and therefore never confident enough to take a decision alone always needing outside validation. It worked the opposite way on my sister. She stopped asking my mom or anybody for that matter permission. She took her own decisions made her own mistakes and learnt from those.

Yesterday when I told no to the BH for something he has been looking forward to for a long time he was hurt. Well so was I that he could change his plans so casually without even thinking about us and this is always the norm when it comes to his friends. But something he said stayed with me 'If you behave like this then how can I ever take a decision? Because at the back of my mind I will always have this feeling that I don’t know how you will react.' And I remember shouting at my mom with the same words...