Powerful thoughts

"We are all masters of our own destiny. We can so easily make the same mistakes over and over. We can so easily flee from everything that we desire and which life so generously places before us.
Alternatively, we can surrender ourselves to Divine Providence, take God's hand, and fight for our dreams, believing that they always arrive at the right moment."

- Brida
Paulo Coelho

To my 'happy'

Dear Bambi,

I remember writing about you, that you came into this world with the sound of laughter all around you... and somehow that has been ingrained in you.

You are forever smiling, laughing as you walk about, do your things, have your imaginary conversations.. you wake up with a huge smile.. you get into a kissing mode at least twice a day when you keep on giving us kisses.. yesterday you blew a kiss to the wind.. it was such a gloomy afternoon, but you said the wind was happy..

we both decided yesterday that we'll call each of us by their moods.. so you are now 'happy' and i am 'naughty' quick to change to 'angry', 'sad' .. you explained that when i smile or laugh, you will call me 'happy' but otherwise you will call me 'naughty'.. hugging my tummy, kissing me on my eyes, you went on and on about how happy you are.. how you like to smile.. how you like to give kisses.. and then just like that you slept off... i hugged you for a long while, prayed for you to be always 'happy' and dozed off next to you trying to live in the moment like you do...

luv,
mama

Unspoken words...

"Why mama, you are not happy?"
"is it of me?"

asks Bambi very innocently. What do I tell her? Its not her or Mowgli.. Its just me and the BH. The fights that go unspoken build up and this is how I take it out. Shouting at the kids for a messy room, for homework not done, for noise, for what not!

I've had a long week at work..flew back in to my city expecting a royal welcome. The kids are all over me.. The BH is happy and then gets back into his pensive mode.. I try to talk, but its difficult.. this one-way traffic. Its been going on for quite some time. Mood swings at the click of a button, irritation, frustration. I try hard to understand.. give him the leeway of the pressure he is in.. but at one point of time, I snap! there is just so much that one can take. Now that the tides have changed- the orders have started, work is picking up, its unfair to attribute this sullenness to the pressure. Sometimes, i feel its a very convenient way to shift blame to the other party, so that you continue as the injured party nursing whatever grievances. The kids sense it, they cant see it for even we do not fully understand why we are behaving the way we are. But its there, like a fine mist.. clouding everything.. for every word that I speak, the next thought in my mind is "will this make him close up?" I sift through my thoughts, my words stepping carefully until everything becomes mechanical and not me! I wish this would change.. Do not want us to be so negative when there is really nothing to be negative about...

More than anything else, I miss the BH. The one I knew.. loved.. married...

The much awaited first order comes!!!

Dear BH,

This has been a momentous week for you. your first order. Its been a year of struggle, doubts, pessimism and optimism in equal measure. 12 months since you started this company…18 months since you resigned after a career of 10 years… I’ve watched you from the sidelines not knowing what to do.. every time you’ve wanted something so badly, there has always been a way to get that for you. but this was different. I could just watch, try to support .. but this was all about you. you had to do it.. face your frustrations.. your fears.. the negative voices having a ball inside and outside.. it was difficult..

I would watch you get excited after calls.. tell me ‘yes, this does seem like a deal’... I would tell you ‘don’t get excited. let it come’ ever wary of the gods who look and get jealous.. you would turn and say ‘ rubbish! As if!’.. ‘might not be,but why take the risk’.. we would go on in the same vein…

I am proud of you… much more than you can imagine... for this is about you and you alone. You have done this on your own with no support from anybody else.. nobody to guide or mentor you. you decided your path.. worked towards it… (on your broken laptop).. cold calling random people… setting up meetings which nobody would attend… and still soldiering on hopeful that the tide would change. And it did.

This is just your first order.. a harbinger of many many more to come… and they will come.. that’s for sure…

God bless you with a smile on your face always and hope in your heart and the grit to make your dreams come true!

Lotsa luv,
Me.