There is something about a kid's responses that can leave you shocked and rooted to the ground!
The BH is away on a 10 day trip and we are alone. And as always whenever the BH is not there, Mr. Mowgli is invariably more cranky, Cocoa is definitely more naughty and I am certainly not at my best managing the two. Trips to the terrace lugging a dog, a cycle, a cover full of broken precious cars and a pint sized kid who throws a tantrum at EVERY single step! The first one is for forgetting to get the football ( did he think I have hidden arms?) , the next for not carrying him, the next for not allowing him to say Hi to all the neighbors on all the floors, the next for God alone knows what. The neighbors give me weak smiles wondering why I’m such a irritated person. I really don’t know why I take the trouble to do this . But once we reach the terrace everything is forgiven and forgotten. Cocoa is happy and running about like a crazy dog, Mowgli has arranged his toys and is playing with them quietly and I slowly exhale. The cool breeze sort of cools my heart also and I stand there lost. One of my close friends once said “ You need so little to be happy” . Yes, its true. But the reverse is also true, a little hurt can plunge me into depths you wouldn’t want your worst enemy to go”. I’ve tried controlling the intensity of my emotions and I’ve realized that it’s not possible for me to scale it down. There is only black and white in my world. Either I love you or don’t. It’s as simple as that. I might rage against you, make you laugh crazily, make you want to tear off your hair in frustration but all that only if I love you. If I don’t then you don’t even exist for me. You can do whatever you want, it will not make any difference to me. As you guessed it I can be a pain in a relationship :-) I try to be stable, God knows that I try..i rarely succeed though.
But I digress. So after the terrace thing, I again repeat the steps – lug dog, pick up cars, leave a howling Mowgli in the terrace and slowly make my way down. Mowgli after howling the place down realizes that its getting dark and his cruel mama is not going to carry him and slowly walks down to the flat.
In two seconds flat he has arranged all his toys on the table again. I try to clean up the flat from one end, he clutters it up from the other! I shout at him and a pitiful voice pipes out “ why mama you are like this?” and that is the final straw. It is a direct hit to the heart and soul and whatever and its all that’s needed to make me feel like the biggest failure ever! Tears tumble down and the usual blame game starts within my mind- how I’m always shouting, not happy with anything blah blah blah.. I’m sure he doesn’t even realize what he’s just said. I don’t even know from where he learnt this. Maybe from the same place that he heard “Go away. I no your fren.”
I leave him with his toys, go to our balcony and stand there looking at the plants. Soon, a wet nose snuggles in to my legs and tries to push me down. I sit down and hug Cocoa and start to cry again for everything and anything. It’s that moment when I love cocoa with all my heart, whatever I do to her good or bad she is always there.
Some time later one small boy comes upstairs hunting for me and hugs me hard and asks “ Mama, you are my fren?” We hug each other and stay that way for a long time forgiven by each other .
Till the next fight!
