Somewhere at the end of last year, I put up four pictures on a pin-up board. A weight loss goal, riding the Bullet, the Kedarkantha Summit and a photo from my last Kathak performance. These were the main things I wanted to focus on in 2019.
Its April now and I've ticked two off that list. Got my two wheeler license and gave a kathak performance this year. The weight loss goal remains!
By next week, I'll know whether I tick off the Kedarkantha summit goal.
When we attempted the Chandrashila trek in 2016, I didn't reach the summit. I lost all my motivation at Tungnath and mentally broke down. To be fair to myself, I was at a difficult phase health wise. Was taking medicines for the hormonal imbalance and had just completed a course one day before the trek. Had absolutely zero stamina. I had not followed any of their fitness advice. In fact, I had not even read through the itinerary. The BH took care of everything. It was as if I was in a daze. I was looking forward and not looking forward to it. Saw my notes from the day before the trek where I was telling myself that I should have done this 10 years back when I was healthier.
The first day was fine, though a little tiring. The second and third days were very tiring. I was the last person and it was a huge effort. The final climb to the summit was something else altogether. I broke down after 4 hours of continuous uphill. Started crying, it was as if all my lowest feelings came up. Each and every one of them. The wrong decision we made in haste, the realization that what we wanted will never come again, that the chance we let go so casually would haunt us through out our life... And in the midst of all this, was the thought that whatever happens, the BH is with me and will be always with me. He was at my side throughout, talking to me, holding my hand, just being there. We had had such huge fights over so many things... but at that moment it was as if everything else was pushed aside in my mind and just one thought that remained. He will be with you throughout... even after your parents die.. even after your children move out.. this man will be with you...
I didn't make it to the summit. Gave up about a 100-200 m from the summit. Physically, I just couldn't move. Couldn't lift my legs. It was as if I had to tell my brain how to walk. More than the physical exhaustion, it was the mental exhaustion. I couldn't motivate myself anymore. The BH tried his best... but i gave up..
I don't have any regrets though. It was a beautiful trek, seeing the Himalayas up so close, the stars, the walking, the birds.. it was very beautiful. Yes, I didn't complete it, but its okay. I did what I could at that point of time. That was the day I forgave myself... forgave us.. stopped blaming for the wrong decisions.. realized that every decision we make is the best we can do at that point of time using whatever information is available. We can't always plan ahead or see every possible outcome. And if some decisions turn out wrong, then so be it. Thats life!
Next week, we are off on another trek. To Kedarkantha this time. This time, I want to do it.. Push myself to reach the summit.. Am very excited and looking forward to it. Health wise, am better. The weight is still what it was. My stamina has improved, I have been walking (though not as regularly). I want to do it. Stand on the summit and send a prayer of thanks.. For all that I've got and all that I've let go...
Pray for me, universe...
Its April now and I've ticked two off that list. Got my two wheeler license and gave a kathak performance this year. The weight loss goal remains!
By next week, I'll know whether I tick off the Kedarkantha summit goal.
When we attempted the Chandrashila trek in 2016, I didn't reach the summit. I lost all my motivation at Tungnath and mentally broke down. To be fair to myself, I was at a difficult phase health wise. Was taking medicines for the hormonal imbalance and had just completed a course one day before the trek. Had absolutely zero stamina. I had not followed any of their fitness advice. In fact, I had not even read through the itinerary. The BH took care of everything. It was as if I was in a daze. I was looking forward and not looking forward to it. Saw my notes from the day before the trek where I was telling myself that I should have done this 10 years back when I was healthier.
The first day was fine, though a little tiring. The second and third days were very tiring. I was the last person and it was a huge effort. The final climb to the summit was something else altogether. I broke down after 4 hours of continuous uphill. Started crying, it was as if all my lowest feelings came up. Each and every one of them. The wrong decision we made in haste, the realization that what we wanted will never come again, that the chance we let go so casually would haunt us through out our life... And in the midst of all this, was the thought that whatever happens, the BH is with me and will be always with me. He was at my side throughout, talking to me, holding my hand, just being there. We had had such huge fights over so many things... but at that moment it was as if everything else was pushed aside in my mind and just one thought that remained. He will be with you throughout... even after your parents die.. even after your children move out.. this man will be with you...
I didn't make it to the summit. Gave up about a 100-200 m from the summit. Physically, I just couldn't move. Couldn't lift my legs. It was as if I had to tell my brain how to walk. More than the physical exhaustion, it was the mental exhaustion. I couldn't motivate myself anymore. The BH tried his best... but i gave up..
I don't have any regrets though. It was a beautiful trek, seeing the Himalayas up so close, the stars, the walking, the birds.. it was very beautiful. Yes, I didn't complete it, but its okay. I did what I could at that point of time. That was the day I forgave myself... forgave us.. stopped blaming for the wrong decisions.. realized that every decision we make is the best we can do at that point of time using whatever information is available. We can't always plan ahead or see every possible outcome. And if some decisions turn out wrong, then so be it. Thats life!
Next week, we are off on another trek. To Kedarkantha this time. This time, I want to do it.. Push myself to reach the summit.. Am very excited and looking forward to it. Health wise, am better. The weight is still what it was. My stamina has improved, I have been walking (though not as regularly). I want to do it. Stand on the summit and send a prayer of thanks.. For all that I've got and all that I've let go...
Pray for me, universe...
