2020 was a year of change... a year of calm for me personally!
With new hopes for the future, moving to another place...https://lifenwhatwemakeofit.wordpress.com/
Monday, January 4, 2021
New address
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Kedarkantha Trek - Day 1&2
Day 1: started from Sankri. It was a 5 hour uphill climb. Within the first 30 minutes, my legs started aching and all the old memories came back. After a point, all of us were walking silently. Each with their own demons. It was a very tiring climb. Came close to giving up at many points, but I realized that it was more mental than physical. I can feel that I'm more fit than the last time, but still nowhere close to doing this effortlessly.The voices in my head mocking my fitness, linking this to all other instances in my life where I have failed... Pulling out incidents long forgotten... Made me realize that of all the demons we face, its us that we should fear the most!
Reached the Juda ka Talab campsite in a legs trembling, quivering mess. Sank down next to a tree and just breathed for some time. A good lunch and a nap later, the trials of the morning seemed far away. Enjoyed the scenery.. being digitally cut off from the whole world... The BH was calm. His knees were not giving him any problem as he feared. Mowgli was running around as usual, high on energy. Surrounded by tall trees, mountain dogs for company, my loved ones near me (missed Bambi though).. I wish I could just bottle up that feeling and keep it with me always. It was if my heart slowed down. All the worries seemed insignificant... Just being in the moment
Day 2: started from Juda ka Talab campsite. Warm up and stretches done, we started our next climb. It was a very short trek compared to the previous day. And the highlight was the snow. All of us had fun sliding down and playing with it. I have now realized that the first 30 minutes are the hardest as thats when my body protests the most. After that its more of not thinking too much and just putting one foot in front of the other.
We reached TaalKhetra by 11 am. A beautiful campsite surrounded by snow capped mountains. We walked, played, talked, relaxed.. All the while sneaking glances at the majestic Kedarkantha peak. Nobody voiced the thought that was foremost in all of our minds.. We are going to climb that? In the evening, we had the technical demonstration for the crampons and the getters, things to remember while walking in the snow, the 4 am start the next day. My mind froze at this point. I had to tell myself to breathe. All my fears came back. The BH was as always calm.. continuously motivating me.. telling me not to overthink this. Mowgli was excited at the prospect of climbing in snow.
After a point of time, in my mind there was no more fear. I was calm. I knew its going to be difficult.. That I'll struggle. I'll lose my breath and the demons in my mind will come rushing out ready to pull me back.. to somewhere safe.. within my comfort zone.. but what of my dreams? what of me? the old impulsive me who was ready to go anywhere.. face any demon... I kept telling myself that I cant give up now. I'm a dancer.. I can walk 5 km in 43 minutes.. New labels that I needed.. that give me strength.. I can do it.. Yes, I could have done this 10 years back when I was thinner, healthier,.. but its okay. I'm doing this NOW.. at the cusp of 40.. overweight.. But, its fine.. I am lucky to get this opportunity and I'll climb.. One step at a time.. with the BH holding my hand.. I'll climb
Reached the Juda ka Talab campsite in a legs trembling, quivering mess. Sank down next to a tree and just breathed for some time. A good lunch and a nap later, the trials of the morning seemed far away. Enjoyed the scenery.. being digitally cut off from the whole world... The BH was calm. His knees were not giving him any problem as he feared. Mowgli was running around as usual, high on energy. Surrounded by tall trees, mountain dogs for company, my loved ones near me (missed Bambi though).. I wish I could just bottle up that feeling and keep it with me always. It was if my heart slowed down. All the worries seemed insignificant... Just being in the moment
Day 2: started from Juda ka Talab campsite. Warm up and stretches done, we started our next climb. It was a very short trek compared to the previous day. And the highlight was the snow. All of us had fun sliding down and playing with it. I have now realized that the first 30 minutes are the hardest as thats when my body protests the most. After that its more of not thinking too much and just putting one foot in front of the other.
We reached TaalKhetra by 11 am. A beautiful campsite surrounded by snow capped mountains. We walked, played, talked, relaxed.. All the while sneaking glances at the majestic Kedarkantha peak. Nobody voiced the thought that was foremost in all of our minds.. We are going to climb that? In the evening, we had the technical demonstration for the crampons and the getters, things to remember while walking in the snow, the 4 am start the next day. My mind froze at this point. I had to tell myself to breathe. All my fears came back. The BH was as always calm.. continuously motivating me.. telling me not to overthink this. Mowgli was excited at the prospect of climbing in snow.
After a point of time, in my mind there was no more fear. I was calm. I knew its going to be difficult.. That I'll struggle. I'll lose my breath and the demons in my mind will come rushing out ready to pull me back.. to somewhere safe.. within my comfort zone.. but what of my dreams? what of me? the old impulsive me who was ready to go anywhere.. face any demon... I kept telling myself that I cant give up now. I'm a dancer.. I can walk 5 km in 43 minutes.. New labels that I needed.. that give me strength.. I can do it.. Yes, I could have done this 10 years back when I was thinner, healthier,.. but its okay. I'm doing this NOW.. at the cusp of 40.. overweight.. But, its fine.. I am lucky to get this opportunity and I'll climb.. One step at a time.. with the BH holding my hand.. I'll climb
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Will I do it?
Somewhere at the end of last year, I put up four pictures on a pin-up board. A weight loss goal, riding the Bullet, the Kedarkantha Summit and a photo from my last Kathak performance. These were the main things I wanted to focus on in 2019.
Its April now and I've ticked two off that list. Got my two wheeler license and gave a kathak performance this year. The weight loss goal remains!
By next week, I'll know whether I tick off the Kedarkantha summit goal.
When we attempted the Chandrashila trek in 2016, I didn't reach the summit. I lost all my motivation at Tungnath and mentally broke down. To be fair to myself, I was at a difficult phase health wise. Was taking medicines for the hormonal imbalance and had just completed a course one day before the trek. Had absolutely zero stamina. I had not followed any of their fitness advice. In fact, I had not even read through the itinerary. The BH took care of everything. It was as if I was in a daze. I was looking forward and not looking forward to it. Saw my notes from the day before the trek where I was telling myself that I should have done this 10 years back when I was healthier.
The first day was fine, though a little tiring. The second and third days were very tiring. I was the last person and it was a huge effort. The final climb to the summit was something else altogether. I broke down after 4 hours of continuous uphill. Started crying, it was as if all my lowest feelings came up. Each and every one of them. The wrong decision we made in haste, the realization that what we wanted will never come again, that the chance we let go so casually would haunt us through out our life... And in the midst of all this, was the thought that whatever happens, the BH is with me and will be always with me. He was at my side throughout, talking to me, holding my hand, just being there. We had had such huge fights over so many things... but at that moment it was as if everything else was pushed aside in my mind and just one thought that remained. He will be with you throughout... even after your parents die.. even after your children move out.. this man will be with you...
I didn't make it to the summit. Gave up about a 100-200 m from the summit. Physically, I just couldn't move. Couldn't lift my legs. It was as if I had to tell my brain how to walk. More than the physical exhaustion, it was the mental exhaustion. I couldn't motivate myself anymore. The BH tried his best... but i gave up..
I don't have any regrets though. It was a beautiful trek, seeing the Himalayas up so close, the stars, the walking, the birds.. it was very beautiful. Yes, I didn't complete it, but its okay. I did what I could at that point of time. That was the day I forgave myself... forgave us.. stopped blaming for the wrong decisions.. realized that every decision we make is the best we can do at that point of time using whatever information is available. We can't always plan ahead or see every possible outcome. And if some decisions turn out wrong, then so be it. Thats life!
Next week, we are off on another trek. To Kedarkantha this time. This time, I want to do it.. Push myself to reach the summit.. Am very excited and looking forward to it. Health wise, am better. The weight is still what it was. My stamina has improved, I have been walking (though not as regularly). I want to do it. Stand on the summit and send a prayer of thanks.. For all that I've got and all that I've let go...
Pray for me, universe...
Its April now and I've ticked two off that list. Got my two wheeler license and gave a kathak performance this year. The weight loss goal remains!
By next week, I'll know whether I tick off the Kedarkantha summit goal.
When we attempted the Chandrashila trek in 2016, I didn't reach the summit. I lost all my motivation at Tungnath and mentally broke down. To be fair to myself, I was at a difficult phase health wise. Was taking medicines for the hormonal imbalance and had just completed a course one day before the trek. Had absolutely zero stamina. I had not followed any of their fitness advice. In fact, I had not even read through the itinerary. The BH took care of everything. It was as if I was in a daze. I was looking forward and not looking forward to it. Saw my notes from the day before the trek where I was telling myself that I should have done this 10 years back when I was healthier.
The first day was fine, though a little tiring. The second and third days were very tiring. I was the last person and it was a huge effort. The final climb to the summit was something else altogether. I broke down after 4 hours of continuous uphill. Started crying, it was as if all my lowest feelings came up. Each and every one of them. The wrong decision we made in haste, the realization that what we wanted will never come again, that the chance we let go so casually would haunt us through out our life... And in the midst of all this, was the thought that whatever happens, the BH is with me and will be always with me. He was at my side throughout, talking to me, holding my hand, just being there. We had had such huge fights over so many things... but at that moment it was as if everything else was pushed aside in my mind and just one thought that remained. He will be with you throughout... even after your parents die.. even after your children move out.. this man will be with you...
I didn't make it to the summit. Gave up about a 100-200 m from the summit. Physically, I just couldn't move. Couldn't lift my legs. It was as if I had to tell my brain how to walk. More than the physical exhaustion, it was the mental exhaustion. I couldn't motivate myself anymore. The BH tried his best... but i gave up..
I don't have any regrets though. It was a beautiful trek, seeing the Himalayas up so close, the stars, the walking, the birds.. it was very beautiful. Yes, I didn't complete it, but its okay. I did what I could at that point of time. That was the day I forgave myself... forgave us.. stopped blaming for the wrong decisions.. realized that every decision we make is the best we can do at that point of time using whatever information is available. We can't always plan ahead or see every possible outcome. And if some decisions turn out wrong, then so be it. Thats life!
Next week, we are off on another trek. To Kedarkantha this time. This time, I want to do it.. Push myself to reach the summit.. Am very excited and looking forward to it. Health wise, am better. The weight is still what it was. My stamina has improved, I have been walking (though not as regularly). I want to do it. Stand on the summit and send a prayer of thanks.. For all that I've got and all that I've let go...
Pray for me, universe...
Thursday, February 21, 2019
practice what you preach??
"I'd rather take life slow
and njoi it fully.. not look back and don't even remember where my 30s and 40s
went"
What I told a junior colleague today in response to how stressed out she was feeling. And then I stopped and thought.. Am I doing this?
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Time flies!
After that intense discontented year, the new year seems to be more positive.
The biggest change, I feel, was in the realization that it was within me to look at the positives in every situation rather than be bogged down and moody. There are people out there with worse and it seemed ungrateful on my part to crib about everything. I might not be able to change others, but what I can and should strive to control is the way I behave towards others and in situations.
Small changes that I made to my routine starting this year that have made me feel more positive
The most important one has been to shut down my laptop at the end of the day. make a list of the To-do things in my diary and close it. Throughout last year, my laptop has always been in sleep mode with multiple tabs open, emails to be read, some with replies typed and not sent, dozens of power points. It was a little wearying to start my day like this. Now, when I log in its a clean slate. Its a minor change, but it gives me the feeling that I'm done for the day and starting afresh every morning.
Another change has been to open one website at a time. Rather than open up multiple pages that I wanted to read, this year has been about reading one page at a time and then going on to the next article or page.
Bringing mindfulness to my calls. My work environment is majorly virtual. While this works out great for me in terms of managing the home front and being more accessible to the kids, it needs more concentration and focus. Earlier, I used to multitask during calls - either reading emails, responding, browsing and so on. This year, I've made it a habit to close my browser and chat window, hold a pen in my hand and focus on the call.
A personal habit that I've restarted is to read the Bible again. More than it being religious, it is a spiritual thing. Waking up early, reading the Daily Bread and the Bible along with a cup of tea - somehow they help me to start the day in a more slower pace. Its another matter that by 7.45am, the calm has vanished and I'm back to shouting at the kids.
Minor changes.. but they help me feel more in control and calmer.
The biggest change, I feel, was in the realization that it was within me to look at the positives in every situation rather than be bogged down and moody. There are people out there with worse and it seemed ungrateful on my part to crib about everything. I might not be able to change others, but what I can and should strive to control is the way I behave towards others and in situations.
Small changes that I made to my routine starting this year that have made me feel more positive
The most important one has been to shut down my laptop at the end of the day. make a list of the To-do things in my diary and close it. Throughout last year, my laptop has always been in sleep mode with multiple tabs open, emails to be read, some with replies typed and not sent, dozens of power points. It was a little wearying to start my day like this. Now, when I log in its a clean slate. Its a minor change, but it gives me the feeling that I'm done for the day and starting afresh every morning.
Another change has been to open one website at a time. Rather than open up multiple pages that I wanted to read, this year has been about reading one page at a time and then going on to the next article or page.
Bringing mindfulness to my calls. My work environment is majorly virtual. While this works out great for me in terms of managing the home front and being more accessible to the kids, it needs more concentration and focus. Earlier, I used to multitask during calls - either reading emails, responding, browsing and so on. This year, I've made it a habit to close my browser and chat window, hold a pen in my hand and focus on the call.
A personal habit that I've restarted is to read the Bible again. More than it being religious, it is a spiritual thing. Waking up early, reading the Daily Bread and the Bible along with a cup of tea - somehow they help me to start the day in a more slower pace. Its another matter that by 7.45am, the calm has vanished and I'm back to shouting at the kids.
Minor changes.. but they help me feel more in control and calmer.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday...
Been 20 years since we met
That senior who tried to look rough, but had the heart of a softie
Who became a friend pretty fast
To a trusted friend.. to a life partner..
Who taught me to drive and more importantly to drive as if I owned the road
Who allowed me to go where I want and do what I want
Who has been the wind under my wings....
The trips.. the long drives...the laughs.. the tears.. the fights... the comfort... the warm feet...the confidence...the love.. the life
Smile always...
God bless
Go conquer the world!!! I have your back!
Happy birthday and lots and lots of love and kisses
Been 20 years since we met
That senior who tried to look rough, but had the heart of a softie
Who became a friend pretty fast
To a trusted friend.. to a life partner..
Who taught me to drive and more importantly to drive as if I owned the road
Who allowed me to go where I want and do what I want
Who has been the wind under my wings....
The trips.. the long drives...the laughs.. the tears.. the fights... the comfort... the warm feet...the confidence...the love.. the life
Smile always...
God bless
Go conquer the world!!! I have your back!
Happy birthday and lots and lots of love and kisses
Monday, January 14, 2019
Where is the gratitude?
After the intense discontent filled year, 2019 was an eye opener. It seemed as if the universe wanted to remind me how privileged I am.
My cousin's son has been struggling with drug addiction for quite some time. We have all been supporting her, trying to help out in our own ways but in the end the battle is hers alone to face. Being a single parent, the journey is even more difficult. Just when we all thought that things were under control, he has started getting quite violent and abusive to his sister and others.
Another relative is going through an episode of brain tumour. Multiple rounds of chemo and now the doctors have said that there is nothing more that can be done. He is slightly older than us and has a school going son. I cant imagine the uncertainty that they have in their lives.
And many other cases... Most of the conversations I had at the beginning of the year were all about these.
What I realized is that in the end, all the things that I was complaining about didn't really matter! They were all minor irritations as compared to what so many others are going on. There are so many things in my life that I should be thankful for - good health, supportive husband, loving kids, stable job - many things that I took for granted and which others are praying for.
My cousin's son has been struggling with drug addiction for quite some time. We have all been supporting her, trying to help out in our own ways but in the end the battle is hers alone to face. Being a single parent, the journey is even more difficult. Just when we all thought that things were under control, he has started getting quite violent and abusive to his sister and others.
Another relative is going through an episode of brain tumour. Multiple rounds of chemo and now the doctors have said that there is nothing more that can be done. He is slightly older than us and has a school going son. I cant imagine the uncertainty that they have in their lives.
And many other cases... Most of the conversations I had at the beginning of the year were all about these.
What I realized is that in the end, all the things that I was complaining about didn't really matter! They were all minor irritations as compared to what so many others are going on. There are so many things in my life that I should be thankful for - good health, supportive husband, loving kids, stable job - many things that I took for granted and which others are praying for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)