squirmed and pushed and pulled and voila! My old jeans fit!!!!!
They dont fit like how they used to ,because there is a 5kg sagging tummy obstructing the view, but yes, i can at least button it!
Yippppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Monday, November 24, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Tired.
Depressed.
With life.
With myself.
Trying to look back and wonder what went wrong this year.
Sifting through memories that need to be left alone.
Have to go on.. look forward.. let things be… understand that people have their own reasons their decisions their responsibility for their actions. Why should it affect me so much? To be hurt when nobody realizes that behind the “don’t-care” facade I care! I care a lot!
After mowgli was born, I always felt that I couldn’t cry anymore. How much ever sad I was I just couldn’t cry. Today the tears are falling freely. Just that I don’t know for what.
Maybe they are;
For the year that is passing by where the BH and I were just little more than strangers to each others.
For Kitu who will not wear those Reebok shoes I had planned to gift him for his next birthday
For a birthday that I waited for an entire year and disappointed me so much
For anniversaries that slipped by un-noticed and ignored
For the times I wanted the BH to understand how I was feeling and he came up with “You are always depressed. What’s new about it?”
For the old me and the me I have turned into nowFor the lost sparkle in my eyes and smile
For the cynic that I have become
For losing the ability to trust anybody again never knowing whether they really will stand by you when you need them
For friends that slipped away when they found their better halves
For a best friend who is leaving to the US for a long long time leaving me with nobody to talk to
For the chores that always look me at my face whenever I want to relax
For the aches and pains that refuse to go away even after so long
For being so tired and un-enthusiastic about life
For wondering what went wrong?
For trying every day to be happy and failing miserably even before the day is over.
For losing out on so many things.
And mainly
For feeling so unwanted
So unloved
So un-cherished
So neglected
Like the furniture in a room.
Serves its purpose by remaining there, but you can still manage without it.
Depressed.
With life.
With myself.
Trying to look back and wonder what went wrong this year.
Sifting through memories that need to be left alone.
Have to go on.. look forward.. let things be… understand that people have their own reasons their decisions their responsibility for their actions. Why should it affect me so much? To be hurt when nobody realizes that behind the “don’t-care” facade I care! I care a lot!
After mowgli was born, I always felt that I couldn’t cry anymore. How much ever sad I was I just couldn’t cry. Today the tears are falling freely. Just that I don’t know for what.
Maybe they are;
For the year that is passing by where the BH and I were just little more than strangers to each others.
For Kitu who will not wear those Reebok shoes I had planned to gift him for his next birthday
For a birthday that I waited for an entire year and disappointed me so much
For anniversaries that slipped by un-noticed and ignored
For the times I wanted the BH to understand how I was feeling and he came up with “You are always depressed. What’s new about it?”
For the old me and the me I have turned into nowFor the lost sparkle in my eyes and smile
For the cynic that I have become
For losing the ability to trust anybody again never knowing whether they really will stand by you when you need them
For friends that slipped away when they found their better halves
For a best friend who is leaving to the US for a long long time leaving me with nobody to talk to
For the chores that always look me at my face whenever I want to relax
For the aches and pains that refuse to go away even after so long
For being so tired and un-enthusiastic about life
For wondering what went wrong?
For trying every day to be happy and failing miserably even before the day is over.
For losing out on so many things.
And mainly
For feeling so unwanted
So unloved
So un-cherished
So neglected
Like the furniture in a room.
Serves its purpose by remaining there, but you can still manage without it.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOWGLI!!!
Nov 12, 07
6.30 pm
A snapshot of my life in the past one year. Cute baby to naughty boy .
6.30 pm
A snapshot of my life in the past one year. Cute baby to naughty boy .
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
When only memories remain
I had started this post a cople of weeks back. Could never finish it. Would start and then stop and start again. It hurt a lot to complete this. But I had to do this, for myself. For Kitu. For Mowgli.
Dear Mowgli,
You will be a big boy when you read this.
Big enough to understand your mama and dada.
Big enough to know what we are going through when we tell you not to do certain things and why we tell you so.
Big enough to know that you mean the world to us even if we don’t always behave that way.
Its been almost a month since your uncle died. My brother. You have met him just twice, once when you were a baby and second a couple of months back. You had played with him though he was afraid to hold you. He was enthralled by you.
You were just seven months.
He was just 19.
He was into his third year engineering in BITS Goa. Had gone trekking with his friends to DoodhSagar waterfalls. He always loved the water, was crazy about it. He jumped into the small pool made by the running water not heeding the local’s warning that the currents are dangerous and it is deep under the falls. Maybe he was showing off to his friends’ maybe just enjoying being in the water thrilled at nature- nobody knows what happened. At one point he swam too close to the place where the water was falling from a great height and he couldn’t swim back. Could be the currents, or else he got tired or else leg cramps we don’t know. His friends could not save him. The locals gathered there did not jump into the water saying that it was too deep and dangerous. Nobody helped him. He slowly drowned in front of everybody’s eyes. His friends trekked downhill to get some help, but by the time they got to the police station it was already dark and the police said they could search only the next day.
They later found his body the next day 30m deep.
He was so young.
Just starting his life.
I had spoken to him the week before. Talking about what to do after engg. Coming to Bangalore for his summer project. Generally making fun plans for the future. He will not come again.
For his marriage I would have been standing behind his bride. His eldest sister. Now that will not be. He has gone on to another world leaving all of us heart broken.
Its true life goes on and time heals everything. Yet there are times when that dull ache comes. When I see somebody his age I think of him and feel sad that he has missed out on so many things. That trip I was planning with all my cousins, we never got to it and now it is too late. I wanted to go to Goa once and meet him and his friends. Too late for that also.
Too late for so many things.
Too late to tell him how much he meant to me.
And a lot of questions that remain.
Why did he have to swim in the waterfalls?
Didnt he have some sense to see that it was dangerous?
Why didnt any of his friends tell him not to get in?
What the bloody hell were they all thinking?
And the worst question that still tortures me
Did he struggle a lot? What must have gone through his mind at that time. Why did God have to do this to him? Couldnt HE have helped him?
My poor kitu. Lying all alone in the water for an entire 24 hours!!! I cannot even think of it.
Memories that hit you when you least expect it.
I always wanted an elder brother instead of a younger sister. used to think that if I could not get an elder brother would make do with the younger ones. We would all meet at my grand parents house for the summer vacation. I being the eldest and the laziest would generally prefer to read a book and laze in the hammock. He, his bro, my sis and my youngest cousin would play outside the whole day. Shuttle, TT, house, hotel and what not. He was the one who taught me to play Monopoly and Chess. Tried to teach me TT also, but I was too lazy to run around. Evenings we would go to the club where my grand father would try to teach us all to swim. Only he picked it up. The rest of us would just flap about and play in the water.
When I was in school I wanted a teddy bear very much. Must be from reading too many Enid Blytons. My mom refused saying that I was too old for that sort of thing. For his birthday he got three teddy bears out of which I flicked one. Till I got married I used to sleep snuggling it.
When he was small he would look at the buses passing by and pick out a name from them. The whole day we had to call him by that name. One day it would be 'Suresh' ,another day it would be "Kurisingal" and many more. We used to die laughing at his stupid names.
That wildcraft bag we bought him for his treks. He loved it.
There will be no kids of his growing up along with you.
I wish I had seen him more often, called him more often.
Sometimes I think of something to tell him anf then suddenly remember that he is no longer here.
So many myriad thoughts that pop in and out with no special meaning.
Just thoughts.
Mowgli, I don’t want him to be just a story for you. Know that he meant a lot to all of us and nobody can ever ever replace him.
When you grow up, you will do many things with your friends. Some that you might tell me and some you might not. There will come many times when you will have to decide whether to say NO or go along with the flow. Drugs, alcohol, smoking are just few of them. Whatever you do, remember that your life is precious to us. Don’t squander it away on a dare or a show-off in front of your friends. They are not worth it!
I read this poem somewhere and it sort of gives me hope. That if he is there somewhere this is what he might say to me;
Dear Mowgli,
You will be a big boy when you read this.
Big enough to understand your mama and dada.
Big enough to know what we are going through when we tell you not to do certain things and why we tell you so.
Big enough to know that you mean the world to us even if we don’t always behave that way.
Its been almost a month since your uncle died. My brother. You have met him just twice, once when you were a baby and second a couple of months back. You had played with him though he was afraid to hold you. He was enthralled by you.
You were just seven months.
He was just 19.
He was into his third year engineering in BITS Goa. Had gone trekking with his friends to DoodhSagar waterfalls. He always loved the water, was crazy about it. He jumped into the small pool made by the running water not heeding the local’s warning that the currents are dangerous and it is deep under the falls. Maybe he was showing off to his friends’ maybe just enjoying being in the water thrilled at nature- nobody knows what happened. At one point he swam too close to the place where the water was falling from a great height and he couldn’t swim back. Could be the currents, or else he got tired or else leg cramps we don’t know. His friends could not save him. The locals gathered there did not jump into the water saying that it was too deep and dangerous. Nobody helped him. He slowly drowned in front of everybody’s eyes. His friends trekked downhill to get some help, but by the time they got to the police station it was already dark and the police said they could search only the next day.
They later found his body the next day 30m deep.
He was so young.
Just starting his life.
I had spoken to him the week before. Talking about what to do after engg. Coming to Bangalore for his summer project. Generally making fun plans for the future. He will not come again.
For his marriage I would have been standing behind his bride. His eldest sister. Now that will not be. He has gone on to another world leaving all of us heart broken.
Its true life goes on and time heals everything. Yet there are times when that dull ache comes. When I see somebody his age I think of him and feel sad that he has missed out on so many things. That trip I was planning with all my cousins, we never got to it and now it is too late. I wanted to go to Goa once and meet him and his friends. Too late for that also.
Too late for so many things.
Too late to tell him how much he meant to me.
And a lot of questions that remain.
Why did he have to swim in the waterfalls?
Didnt he have some sense to see that it was dangerous?
Why didnt any of his friends tell him not to get in?
What the bloody hell were they all thinking?
And the worst question that still tortures me
Did he struggle a lot? What must have gone through his mind at that time. Why did God have to do this to him? Couldnt HE have helped him?
My poor kitu. Lying all alone in the water for an entire 24 hours!!! I cannot even think of it.
Memories that hit you when you least expect it.
I always wanted an elder brother instead of a younger sister. used to think that if I could not get an elder brother would make do with the younger ones. We would all meet at my grand parents house for the summer vacation. I being the eldest and the laziest would generally prefer to read a book and laze in the hammock. He, his bro, my sis and my youngest cousin would play outside the whole day. Shuttle, TT, house, hotel and what not. He was the one who taught me to play Monopoly and Chess. Tried to teach me TT also, but I was too lazy to run around. Evenings we would go to the club where my grand father would try to teach us all to swim. Only he picked it up. The rest of us would just flap about and play in the water.
When I was in school I wanted a teddy bear very much. Must be from reading too many Enid Blytons. My mom refused saying that I was too old for that sort of thing. For his birthday he got three teddy bears out of which I flicked one. Till I got married I used to sleep snuggling it.
When he was small he would look at the buses passing by and pick out a name from them. The whole day we had to call him by that name. One day it would be 'Suresh' ,another day it would be "Kurisingal" and many more. We used to die laughing at his stupid names.
That wildcraft bag we bought him for his treks. He loved it.
There will be no kids of his growing up along with you.
I wish I had seen him more often, called him more often.
Sometimes I think of something to tell him anf then suddenly remember that he is no longer here.
So many myriad thoughts that pop in and out with no special meaning.
Just thoughts.
Mowgli, I don’t want him to be just a story for you. Know that he meant a lot to all of us and nobody can ever ever replace him.
When you grow up, you will do many things with your friends. Some that you might tell me and some you might not. There will come many times when you will have to decide whether to say NO or go along with the flow. Drugs, alcohol, smoking are just few of them. Whatever you do, remember that your life is precious to us. Don’t squander it away on a dare or a show-off in front of your friends. They are not worth it!
I read this poem somewhere and it sort of gives me hope. That if he is there somewhere this is what he might say to me;
And if I go,
while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.
"Ascension" by Colleen Corah Hitchcock
Trrring Trrring
I look at the phone. Its my old manager. I hesitate. Should I pick up the phone or let it be?
Well, it might be nothing. I pick up the phone. Hello Oxxxxx, How do you do?
Hi. What are you doing now? [This doesn’t sound good. No pleasantries and no chit chats.]
Ummmmm. I am at home.
How old is your kid now? [This is definitely not going in the right direction.]
Ehhhh. He’ll be a year next week. Why?
Good. So what have you planned next? Have you started looking out?
Errrrrrrrrrrr. Not really. I was thinking, but... [Why are you calling me with this right now. I dont want to work now. Dont give me options. Go Go Go!!!]
I have an opening. Why don’t you just give it a look? It’s a senior role and I think its perfect for you. See, don’t you guys have a housing loan [so what???? Yes, the BH is sweating over it. I am trying to ignore it].
How can somebody of your calibre sit at home? The industry needs you. the financial world needs you. [He he he, i added that last part. was just flattering myself :-) ]
I don’t know Oxxxx. I really need to think about it. You know, we don’t have a full time maid and the logistics, I really don’t know [I don’t know seems to be my anthem through out this call!] how we’ll manage.
Oh, you guys will manage. So many people do. There are so many working mothers here. The company will support you blah blah blah.
Well the long and short of it is I have been offered a job. The interview is next week (I blanked out in the middle and the next thing I remember is him telling me so we’ll meet you next week.). I am not sure how am going to manage. Couldn’t sleep yesterday night. I kept on thinking of options like day care, maids. What will they do if Mowgli refuses to eat? Refuses to sleep? After reading so much about child abuse that fear is also there at the back of my mind. He has not even started talking. How will he tell me if something goes wrong?
Finally I woke up and looked at the calendar. It was only Nov 4. I have two months to get ready if I get the job. Two months to look at other options. If it doesn’t work out I can always resign right.
It had to come to this one day. Just that I was thinking maybe by next June or something. This seems to be too early. But will there ever come a right time for leaving my baby with somebody else for 6 hours daily?
The BH and I will have to work out a lot of things. If he could go early and come home a little early say around 3 or 4 then the time with the maid or day care would be reduced. Both of us would have more peace of mind. Kids should grow up with their parents not with maids or outsiders. This calls for sacrifices on both our part.
Before I start getting hyper let me go for the interview next week. Have filled a paper with all my concerns.
My fingers are crossed. Cross yours also.
Monday, November 3, 2008
monday morning blues
Another weekend over. We had planned to go to Nandi Hills to see the sunrise but that didn’t work out. Got the BH’s reports. Everything normal except cholesterol is on borderline high. No medication thankfully, instead the doctor has asked him to reduce weight, cut down on fatty foods, adopt a vegetarian diet and to see him after 6 months. Our countdown begins!
Just look at the state of our generation. Under 30and yet battling with so many chronic conditions-obesity, cholesterol, blood pressure. If we could just make some changes in our lifestyle- eat healthy, spend some time in the outdoors everyday, smoke a little less, and go easy on the alcohol. Don’t we owe it to our children to be healthy for them? If we go at this rate I shudder to think what will it be by the time we reach our 40’s? We are trying to follow a strict plan of playing shuttle every day, reducing the eating out part. Both of us plan to reduce at least 5 kgs by this year end.
On a happier note have started work on the balcony. Replanted some plants, re-arranged the plants on the balcony. Keeping my fingers crossed that the plants all grow hale and hearty soon.
And the main news for the day and days to come- HAVE STARTED THE WEANING PROCESS!!!! Its high time he started taking more interest in other foods rather than breast feeding whole day. Mentally preparing myself for the tantrums and screams. For this week its just the day. If this goes well then slowly have to start weaning him off at night too. That is going to be the hardest part. Why cant kids sleep on their own???
Just look at the state of our generation. Under 30and yet battling with so many chronic conditions-obesity, cholesterol, blood pressure. If we could just make some changes in our lifestyle- eat healthy, spend some time in the outdoors everyday, smoke a little less, and go easy on the alcohol. Don’t we owe it to our children to be healthy for them? If we go at this rate I shudder to think what will it be by the time we reach our 40’s? We are trying to follow a strict plan of playing shuttle every day, reducing the eating out part. Both of us plan to reduce at least 5 kgs by this year end.
On a happier note have started work on the balcony. Replanted some plants, re-arranged the plants on the balcony. Keeping my fingers crossed that the plants all grow hale and hearty soon.
And the main news for the day and days to come- HAVE STARTED THE WEANING PROCESS!!!! Its high time he started taking more interest in other foods rather than breast feeding whole day. Mentally preparing myself for the tantrums and screams. For this week its just the day. If this goes well then slowly have to start weaning him off at night too. That is going to be the hardest part. Why cant kids sleep on their own???
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)